Tuesday, December 6, 2011

The Battle For The Purse: An Update


We are rocking this weight loss shit.

Today is day 8 of our 27 day challenge and we've lost a combined 8.2 pounds!

I've lost 5 even, and my girl FGS is down 3.2.

I can almost feel that purse in my hand...
No, seriously though, this is still any one's game. There's still 18 days - and a LOT can happen in 18 days.

Next week is probably going to be really hard for me. I'm headed to Vegas for nerd training. I'll be there Sunday night until Friday evening.

That means an entire week of eating out. This scares the shit out of me.

I am going to bring my work out gear and hit the treadmill a MINIMUM of 3 times. Class is over by 4 each afternoon, so I figure I'll go straight to the gym afterwards. That will still give me time to freshen up, have dinner, go out for a little, and still be in bed in time to be in class the next morning.

I never thought I would be facing my first ever trip to Vegas with dread. At this point I'd rather just stay home and not have all those evil extra calories...

If I'm gonna be completely honest, it's not even the food that I'm worried about, it all the calories that I'm capable of drinking that scares me.

I guess it's a good thing I'll be flying solo. If I had any of my girls with me, well, that could be a very dangerous thing indeed.

What? I can't be the only person who watched The Hangover and thought "yep, I can totally see that happening". Right?

Monday, November 28, 2011


Me and FGS are laying down the gauntlet. We've both reached that "enough is enough" point and decided to make a little wager.

Starting today up until Christmas eve, we are going to see who can lose the most weight.

Shit be gettin real.

But what's the wager? Although bragging rights do count for a lot, we wanted something tangible. After much debate about what that "something" should be, we finally decided on something we both want.

A purse is on the line people. A super cute one too!

We are texting each other a pic of the scale every morning to keep ourselves honest. I would promise you that we'll post every day to keep you all updated, but we all know that would be a lie. We suck at posting. I will try to at least do every few day check-ins though. Promise.

Monday, November 14, 2011

The Not Happy Post That Goes Nowhere

I'm discouraged.

Really, horribly, discouraged.

I'm pissed off at myself, and honestly, I'm wallowing in self-pity. But I don't really have anyone to blame but myself.

I have been running (somewhat) regularly. I have been tracking (every so often).

And I'm not seeing results. In fact, I've actually gained a couple of pounds.

And why is that? Well, I know damn well why that is. It's the "somewhat"'s and "every so often"'s.

I'm not being consistent. Actually, that's not true. I am being consistent at one thing. I'm consistently lazy.

How in the hell did I become so undisciplined?

When did it become okay to me to be so half-assed about life?

I don't know the answers, but I know shit has got to change.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

I Did What I Could

Tonight is date night and I'm a little depressed about it.

Don't get me wrong. I'm stoked to have Mr. MT to myself for a couple of hours.

What I'm not happy about though? The fact that I'm overweight, out of shape, and just generally disgusted with my appearance. There will be no cute little dresses for me tonight.

These days I just want to cover up and hope no one can see my muffin top.

I'm not going to wallow though. I took my chubby ass to the gym at lunch today and RAN IT OUT!

Change doesn't happen over night, but every time I opt for the gym instead of the buffet I get that much closer to my end goal.

So while I might not be all that satisfied with my body at the moment, I'm at least proud of myself for doing what I could today.

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

On Friendship And Flying My Freak Flag

Muffin Top and I have made it no secret on this blog that we have a certain affinity for a certain movie/book series about a sparkly vampire. We've spent the last 3 years continuously geeking out over movie trailers and fan fiction and all things Twilight related.  It's a sickness.  We just can't help it. 

Last February, when MT decided to move her punk ass to Bend, one of the first things we both thought of was the impending Breaking Dawn premiere.  (In case you live under a rock, the next Twilight movie hits theaters next Thursday evening).  We ALWAYS go to the midnight showing of these movies.  How could we possibly be apart for that?!?  We've been lamenting the past few weeks about how lame it is that we won't be together to see it.  It's been a little on the devastating side, really. 

Well guess what?  I'm about to let Muffin Top (and all you blog readers) in on a little secret.  A few days ago I realized that it just was NOT acceptable to see it without Muffin Top.  So I'm not going to.  I've taken next Thursday afternoon and Friday off of work.  Melissa (another die hard twi fan and bestie) and I are going to drive our happy asses all the way to Bend so we can see the movie with Muffin Top.  Well, all four movies technically.  All will be as it should be in the world. 

So surprise!  As long as Mr. Muffin Top doesn't care that we crash on his couch Thursday night, we are all set.  Tickets bought and everything.  Life is too short to not make these things happen.   

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Bucking the *uck Up

So, I started a new (much, much better) job last week and am hopeful this will mean considerably more posting. Of course any posting will be "more" than the NO posting we've been doing!

FGS and me are still (more or less) on track with marathon training. Just today during lunch I did week 7, day 1 of the Couch-To-5K. Go me! Not gonna lie, it was hard as hell. When I think about how much more in shape I used to be I get really down. I mean, I ran a half fucking marathon! Now I can't even make it through 25 minutes without walking.

But I will not let that deter me!!!

My C25K app had a great inspirational quote today:

"Vision without action is a daydream."

I spend way to much time daydreaming about the things that I want and not nearly enough time working to make my dreams a reality. It's easy to say that I need to do more, but why is it so damn hard to put into practice?

Part of my problem is that a part of me is still hoping and waiting to find that “quick” fix. The magic pill. The overnight success.

This shit isn’t easy though, and although it might get a bit easier, it’s always going to be work. It just is.

So here’s to bucking up!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

What I Have To Give

Life is busy. Alarmingly so. I want to give you a peek into my evening last night, just so you fully get the picture.

I get off work at 5:30, not 5, because God must hate me. Or maybe it's just my boss? Anywho, I drive 45 minutes to pick up my spawn from my parent's house way out in BFE. I down a quick chicken sandwich while I'm there because hey, free food! By 6:45 everyone is loaded into the car and we are off to Kung Fu class for the oldest.
After I kick him to the curb (literally), I haul ass/balls (pick your body part!) to the grocery store because unfortunately, everyone needs to eat. I have exactly one hour to throw miscellaneous foods into my cart, check out and be back to the big kid's Dojo to pick him up. For some reason they get all pissy when you are 15 minutes late. WTF, right?

I pick up my older son just in time, and then it's a race home to do baths, books, teeth brushed, mommy I need water, oh please one more book, and bedtime.

Sounds fun, right? Don't get me wrong, I love the chaos of having a family. We are loud and fun and my days are filled with so much happy. They just don't leave time for much of the other stuff I enjoy. One of those things is this blog. I've got to be honest, I didn't think we were going to resurrect this thing. I figured it was fun while it lasted, but a year post half-marathon and I'm fat again (ok, not AS fat) and I haven't really had a tangible goal. Enter Forks, Washington.

I'm not going to re-hash MT's post here, but you all know we had a fabulous time. More than that though, we were amazed to find out that actual, real live people read this blog! It really inspired me to keep writing.

So here's what I can give you. I can't promise much, but I can promise you the marathon. As in, I promise to share the blood, sweat, tears and expletives right here on this blog. I promise to give you the in depth look at how two average women could do this marathon thing. Because believe me, I'm as average as it gets. Also, I selfishly want to have a written record of the journey to look back on at a later date.

And after the marathon? Who knows. But I'm here today to tell you that until we cross that finish line, we'll be sharing all the gory details. Stay tuned.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

We're Really Doing It!!!

Not gonna lie, FGS and I have not been doing very well. We've fallen off the wagon so to speak. Well, FGS has, I did a big fat belly flop of the damn thing.

I now officially weight more than I EVER have (pregnancies not included). I'm way fucking out of control.

So we decided that we need a purpose. A goal. Something to work towards.

When we had the half on the horizon, we Made. Shit. Happen. I looked and felt better than I had in sooo long.

I'm ready to get back to that!

But, talk is cheap. What are we actually going to do about it?!

We're running a MARATHON baby!!!

On April 29th, 2012 me and FGS will be doing it, and doing it, and doing it well!

But we all know the hard part isn't the marathon. It's the hours upon hours of training that it takes to get to the marathon. So what are we gonna do? My homegirl came up with a full TWENTY NINE week training plan.

Here it is in all it's glory:

Just click on it if you want to actually see what it says...

Not that you guys know (cause we suck ass posting), but we've started the couch to 5k again. We're picking back up on week 5 next week. I've been pretty damn sick this week, and last weeks was the whole FORKS fun-fest - so we've been slacking a bit.

But starting next week - it's on like mother fucking donkey kong!!!

It's marathon training time!

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Time Well F*cking Spent

I know we haven't been posting, and I'm really sorry for that.

But I'm here now and I'm going to tell you about the epicness that was last weekend. Later in the week I'll tell you about our *MARATHON* plans!!!

So, what did we do? Fat Girl Slim and I went on a road trip! To where you ask?

A little town in the very North East corner of Washington state known as "Forks". Why, you might ask.

Cause we're dorks like that and we aren't ashamed damn it!!!

Twitarded. If you don't read it, you damn well should!

The BEST bitches EVER, over at Twitarded put together a get-together of epic proportions.

We came (not like that you fucking perv), we saw, we drank, we made great friends!

The sleepy little town of Forks, I don't think they even knew what hit em.

Did I mention we drank???

One of our absolute favs, Sailor & Satan (aka Diet Dr. Pepper)

There may have been a Jaeger bomb involved...

Which may have led to...

And to...

Cause we're both a couple of hos and we know it...

But that's not all we did! We saw some of the most beautiful places you can imagine!

Lake Crescent

First Beach 

The Hoh (*snickers*) Rain Forest

All in all it was possible the best time I've ever had in my life. Thanks to my best bitch FGS. Damn I love that girl!!!

Best Bitches

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Ripped In 30: Day 6

Can tomorrow be Monday already? Lame.

Saturday went pretty good, I didn't get my run in, but I did do Ripped (of course). It was my 5th time doing it in the last 6 days. Not to shabby if you ask me.

I think it's even getting a little bit easier. Don't get me wrong, it's not easy by any means. But it's not as horrific as it was the first couple of days.

I'm a little scared though, tonight is my last day of week 1. Tomorrow it's on to week 2. EEEK!!!

Here's the run day from yesterday:

Weight: 180.6 (Down 0.4 from yesterday, 2.4 total)
Intake: 34 points
Activity: 6 points

I know these posts haven't been super entertaining, but I'm so damn worn out this is about all I got to give.

Peace out.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Ripped In 30: Days 4 and 5

Well hello there again!

What do you know, I'm starting to make this blogging shit a habit again.

So, I've been staying with it! And considering the level of pain of been in - this is sure to make a difference in my body and my overall fitness level!

I've got an admission to make though. I was planning on having Sunday be my "rest" day. Problem is, I was only home for 1 hour yesterday. During which I had to make, serve, and clean up from, dinner. Needless to say, I did not get in my day 5 session.

Day 4 was pretty much win though! Here's my numbers:

Weight: 180.0 (Down again! 3.0 total too!)
Intake: 38 points (A bit high, I'll admit)
Activity: 7 points

Day 5, not so spectacular though. Not horrible considering I had beer and pizza for dinner the night before though!

Weight: 181.0 (Up 1 lb)
Intake: 36
Activity: 9 points (Pretty damn good considering I didn't do Ripped!)

Overall, I think I'm doing pretty darn good! From Monday to Friday I lost 2 pounds total :)

I definitely need to be more conscious of staying closer to my daily points target of 30 though!!!

That's all for now, but I'll see you again tomorrow when I post day 6.

And btw, keep your fingers crossed for me - not only am I going to do ripped today, I'm going to attempt (and I really emphasize attempt) an 8 miler.

Go me!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Well Hello, Lover.

That's what I said to my dinner tonight when I put it on a plate.  Yum to the 10th power.  Seriously.  You must, must, MUST try this recipe.  I found it over on Gina's Skinny Weight Watchers blog.  The woman is a genius. 

Introducing Bananas Fosters Topped Overnight French Toast.

Get in my BELLY!!!

Only 8 points plus a serving, and the serving was really generous.  

Bonus?  The hubby and the kids loved it as well.  It's definitely going in the dinner rotation.

Ripped In 30: Day 3

I survived!

Day 3 hurt like a bitch, but I did it!!! I can not express in words the way I am hurting. My hamstring feel like HELL.

This is a good thing though, right? Change is happening baby!

Don't get me wrong. This shit is HARD. I absolutely do not feel like working out. My legs are so tired and sore I could barely run a mile and half yesterday without having to stop from sheer exhaustion.

But I'm doing it.

That's the thing. It's going to suck ass.

So deal with it.

Here's my deets for day 3:

Weight: 181 (down again!)
Intake: 39 points (a little over, but whatev's, I worked out)
Activity Points: 10
Workout: Running, walking, and Ripped of course!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

I Haz A Yummy

So since we are back to monitoring calorie intake again, I've needed to get creative with the recipes. Dinner is my biggest challenge, so I thought I'd share a totally YUM thing I found. Now as a disclaimer, I'm not fond of squash AT ALL, but this doesn't even taste like a veggie.

Behold the spaghetti squash.
Totally not as scary as it appears...
You take one of these bad boys and cut it in half. Put it face down on a cookie sheet with a little bit of water in the bottom of a pan. Bake it at 400 degrees for an hour. Once it is finished, the "spaghetti" will come right out if you scrape it with a fork.

Not even a little gross!!!

Put the squash on a plate and top with your favorite marinara recipe. Voila! Super low calorie meal that is excellent for you. Try it asap. You can thank me later. Or better yet, thank sister FGS. She's the one who shared this recipe with me. Thanks sis!!!

Ripped In 30: Day 2

Holy-Mother-Of-GAWD am I sore!!!

But I'm sticking with it. And I survived day 2!

Not only that - I was down 1.4 pounds!!! Hell yeah ;)

Here's the numbers:

Weight: 181.6
Intake: 34 points
Activity Points earned: 6
Exercise: Ripped In 30 Week 1

And here's my starting measurements:
Bicep: 12"
Chest: 42.5"
Waist: 32.5"
Hips: 72"
Thigh: 26"
Calf: 15"
I would write more, but Day 3 isn't going to do itself!



Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Ripped In 30: Day 1

I've got a confession. I've been reverting back to my old "half ass" ways. My exercise has been sporadic at best, my eating (and drinking) have been atrocious, and my weight has been sky rocketing.


I don't know what this has to do with anything at all,
but it came up when I googled "enough already"

I'm better than that! I can do better than that!

I haven't really known what to do though. I've been training for my July half, but between my boy being in the hospital, and a nasty case of shin splints, I'm way, way, waaaay behind on that.

So, what to do?

When all else fails, you know Jillian Michael's is down to kick your ass!

She's a bitch like that - and I FLOVE it!!!

My plan? Ripped In 30 bitches!!!

I'm going to do Ripped In 30 everyday (except Sunday, everybody needs a rest day) for the next 30 days. And I'm going to post about it each and every one of those days. I'll let you know where my weights at, my measurements, how I'm feeling (fucking sore today!) and how my eating is going.

I did day one last night, and it was hard. I've really let myself go. It makes me sick to tell you the truth. But I did it, and after having ran at lunch too!

So here's my daily recap for yesterday:

Weight: 183 *cringe* (don't judge, please?)
Intake: 31 points
Activity Points earned: 13
Exercise: 2 miles + walking & Ripped In 30 Week 1

I haven't done my measurements, but I will tonight!

See you then ;)

 What I've spent to much time doing!!!

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Happy Fathers Day

For my husband.

Six years ago today I met you. It didn't take me long at all to become completely smitten with you, and that was due in large part to the way you talked about your little boy. We went for a walk, and I was completely amazed that you were raising a child all on your own. You were kind, patient and the most loving dad I had ever witnessed. It only took me a few days to realize I wanted you to be the father of my babies. That was probably the best decision I've ever made.

I've fallen in love with you time and time again while watching you with our children. It doesn't matter if it's reading bedtime stories, playing hot wheels, or even trying to patiently deal with a tantrum. You are an amazing daddy, and I'm so very, very blessed to share this journey of parenthood with you.

You work so hard to take care of us, and even when you come home exhausted, you still make time to play with our babies. What lucky kids we have.

I couldn't of found a better father for our children if I would've created you. Thank you for being you, from the bottom of my heart.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

I Have Changed

I'm definitely not the same old Muff. For awhile there I was avoiding anything resembling exercise. Now though, I need it. Like really need it. For my stress levels and my overall sanity (which is questionable at best).

I did my 6 mile run on Sunday, and it was a big jump in mileage. Before that I'd only been doing 4 miles on my "long" runs. Apparently it was too much, cause my shins are TORN UP! And that's just not gonna cut it. I've got serious training to do.

Problem is, I know better than to try and run with shin splints (which I'm sure I have). And you know what? I want to run. I've resented every single lunch this week because I knew I couldn't go to the gym.

I'm proud of who I'm becoming. Sometimes I wish it wasn't such a process though. I want to just be there already, you know?!

Dammit it if it doesn't feel like it!

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Not Exactly Starting Over

It's confession time, bloggy peeps. Pull up a chair and get comfy cause this is going to take a while. I've been less than stellar with my work outs lately. And when I have worked out, I've done anything and everything BUT running. I'm not quite sure why; I guess it just seems daunting now that I've been out of it for a while. It takes a lot of effort, and I've been so lame at putting in effort lately. I actually remember why running seemed so scary in the first place. It's not a happy place to be.

No more of that though! I felt better than I ever have when I was running on a consistent basis, and I need to get back to that place. Fortunately, this time I'm not exactly back to square one. First, I have at least SOME physical endurance whereas before I had none. I can do most tasks these days without getting winded. It also helps that I'm 20 pounds lighter than when I started.

The real leg up though, [and this is the big one]is that I know that I CAN do it now. I've conquered once before, surely I can do it again!!!

I've decided to start out pretty easy, as I'd really like to avoid injury and not push too hard at first. I went back to my trusty Couch to 5k schedule, and decided I could start on week 4 without killing myself. So I'm starting the schedule today! Woot!

For your viewing pleasure...

True facts I realized today: This journey we've been on has changed me. Where I once hated the thought of exercise and eating right, I now know how much better I feel when I do these things. While I once absolutely dreaded the thought of running, I now can't wait for that feeling of accomplishment that comes from it. While I once was angry about going to bed early, I now look forward to the sleep as a time of healing and repair. While I once had no idea how to get myself out of a rut, I now know the steps to take me there.

I guess all of this knowledge means I'm not really starting over at all, am I?

Time to get back to business in these parts!!! Happy Tuesday, friends! Go get some exercise. I'm headed to the gym as soon as I hit publish on this post.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Nut Up. Or Shut the F*ck Up.

We some girls with baggage up in here. Hopefully you had a chance to read Fat Girl Slim's post about her anxiety the other day. Although anxiety isn't one of them, I've got all kinds of issues.

The major one that has been overshadowing EVERYTHING in my life the last few weeks/months has been my depression. If you didn't already know it, I have crazy clinical depression. Like, no laughing matter, type of depression.

I take a cocktail of 3 different anti-depressants every day just to maintain. (For inquiring minds, it's Effexor, Abilify and Welbutrin) Since my family and I moved, we've had to go without health insurance for a while. There's those few months in between your old job's insurance and your new jobs kicking in. So, I cut all my pills in half and have been "surviving" on a half dose. Well, that shit didn't work. I've been crazy the last 2 months. All I can say is that my husband is a fucking saint. I don't have any idea how he puts up with me. He's amazing.

So, long story short, last week I had to go without.

Not. One. Damn. Pill.

I pretty much NEVER talk about my depression because people judge and it hurts. But I'm gonna open up to you guys cause it helps and you're always so supportive.

It was bad. Really, crazy, overwhelmingly, horribly fucking bad.

Don't get me wrong, I've never been suicidal. I consider that the most self-centered thing a person could ever do. But I would have welcomed a fatal accident with open arms.

I've had my pills for the last 3 days and I'm finally starting to pull out of it.

Thank God.

I don't know how much more me, or my family, could have taken.

Here's what I do know though.

I've got a half marathon in 5 weeks.

And I knew that I had to either run my 6 miles this weekend, or just admit that I was not going to be ready on July 9th.

But when it comes time to nut up or shut up?

I NUTTED like a mother fucker.

You KNOW this!!!

Friday, June 3, 2011

Anxiety Blows

I don't think I've ever made it a secret on this blog that I deal with some major anxiety issues. I mentioned it here, and even here. If I kept looking, I'm sure I could find more examples scattered through the blog. I've dealt with worry, panic, etc. since I was a small child, but there have definitely been phases of my life when it's been a more prominent problem for me than other times.

Unfortunately, one of those times is right now. I've been having so much generalized anxiety lately that at times it feels like it's ruining my life. It sounds dramatic I'm sure, but anyone who's ever had those pervasive, worrying thoughts in their head will understand. It's draining, and depressing, and it makes me feel so hopeless at times.
Look!  It's a picture of me!!!

I hadn't realized how bad it had gotten until a couple of weeks ago. Anyone recall that nutter who thought the world was going to end on May 21? I'm not exactly sure what it was about him that triggered my anxiety, but I spent the better part of the week fretting over impending rapture. I'm not even religious, people!!! The worry over something that silly absolutely ruined an entire week of my life. Ri-freaking-diculous!!! It occurred to me then that, yeah, maybe it was time to seek out a little help.

This was me.... kind of...

Fast forward to now, and I'm doing a little bit better. I'm watching caffeine intake, getting enough sleep and I'm desperately trying to schedule in my exercise. I also have a doctor appointment in a week or so to see about some therapy. [and maybe some meds??] Things are looking up. I just need to remember the big, important thing that applies to all of us. I HAVE to make time for me. I deserve to feel well again.

Yep. Yep.  I need therapy worse than that girl.

We are on to a new month, and I'm making my health my number one priority yet again. Starting Monday I'm back to running [yay!], eating healthy, sleeping 8 hours a night, blogging more frequently and spending time relaxing. It's hard to pull yourself out of a hole, but that's exactly what I'm about to do.

Stay tuned...

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Holy F@*#ing Sh!t B@lls!!!


Time has gotten away from me (obviously, considering the serious lack of posting going on around here!). Between work, the hospital, and life and general - I have gotten WAY off track with training for my upcoming half marathon.

In just under SIX WEEKS I will be dragging my not-in-very-good-shape ass 13.1 miles. Sans Fat Girl Slim no less :(

Woe is me!

Insert my mad spreadsheet making skills here and I've got a plan! It may (or may not) be doable, but I'm going to give it my all. Basically, I went online, looked at all the (free) half marathon training plans I could find and came up with my own quick and dirty 6 week plan.

Without further ado, here it is:

Just click on the image to open a larger version

I SWEAR to you I will keep you up to date with my progress.

Leave me some love to let me know you're out there. Please? Pretty please? With a cherry on top?

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Life Will Never Be The Same

Very few things in life can truly be termed "life altering". That change your life so that everything becomes defined as before and after it occurred. You know, the big things - getting married, having children.

For me, Monday was life altering. My 8 year old son had, what I thought, was a bladder infection. He was peeing all the time and he was even having nighttime accidents. And that's just not something that he ever does. Even as a toddler he never wet the bed, so I knew something was off.

So, imagine my shock when the doctor looked at me and said,

"He has diabetes."

I can't even begin to describe the thoughts and emotions that went through me at that moment. That continue to go through me.

We had to bring him to the hospital where he had to stay for 3 nights and 4 days. They had to get his blood sugar under control. They had to teach us how to take care of him.

I'm not going to lie to you, there has been nothing easy about this experience. The first time I had to give my baby a shot I could feel my heart shatter. I cannot explain what it's like to have to poke and stab and inject your child.

I've never been more proud of my son though. He has been absolutely amazing. He's only 8 years old and he is doing all his own blood sugar testing and even does about half of his insulin injections.

I (think?) I might be starting to come to terms with the reality my family is faced with. But honestly, I just don't know. I'll think I'm fine and then it will hit me out of no where. I'll be cruising along and someone will ask me how I am and I'll nearly break down in tears. I'll be sound asleep and the alarm will go off at 2 am and I'll remember, I have to go wake up my child in the middle of the night and make him bleed.

So, if I'm not myself for awhile, I'm sorry. But really, I'll never be that same person I was before Monday.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Thoughts On Health

So many thoughts swirling in my head tonight, and I can't seem to get them out when I try to type them. At the moment, a friend's child is getting his second dose of chemotherapy for stage 4 cancer. Also, as I type this, our very own Muffin Top is at the hospital with her son, dealing with a potentially life-threatening situation. It seems like everywhere I turn lately, someone is sick or suffering.

I've noticed a trend in my posting lately. It's all very capre diem. I want to seize the moment; live for today. More than ever it seems like our time here is so fleeting, and I want to capture things as they are RIGHT NOW and keep them that way forever. Nothing is guaranteed, and it feels like everywhere I turn lately, someone is having the rug of their happy life pulled out from underneath them. It's heartbreaking. It's scary. It's led me to draw some conclusions of my own. All the things I've been thinking and wanting to write about today basically lead me to one sentence.

If you don't have your health, you don't have anything.

I could really end this post there because that pretty well sums it up. Careers, money, possessions, relationships, I could go on and on. None of it matters if you don't have your health. So every time I reach for a cheeseburger, or every time I skip a work out, I'm basically choosing a temporary fix over the thing that matters more than anything else. I'm disgusted with the years I've spent neglecting what's of the utmost importance.

The desire to take care of myself has trumped many a craving as of late. I'm constantly at war with my decisions. To eat meat or not to eat meat? Did I get enough fruits and veggies in? How can I make my kids healthier? It all seems like an uphill battle. What used to be a constant need for "skinny" has been forcefully replaced by something far more important. I need to be strong and healthy for my family. For me.

I made a decision this morning to give up meat for the next month. I'm not sure I can make it a permanent change, but I eat too much of it, and it's time to shake things up. Also, I'm going to hit up my green smoothies on a daily basis. I already had one tonight!

My priority is my health. Goal #1 must be getting (and staying) as healthy as I possibly can. I found several vegetarian recipes I'll be trying in the coming days and weeks, so hopefully I'll have some winners for you guys!!!

On a different, yet related note, I know not everyone is spiritual or religious, but if you are, could you pray for Muffin Top and her son tonight? I'm sure she'll be back soon to share her story, but for now, can everyone keep her in your thoughts and prayers?

Saturday, May 7, 2011

A Check In

Life is pretty crazy these days. It used to be that I could bust out a blog post at work no problem. Not so much any more. I work HARD for the money these days!

It's not so much that I don't like my job. I just don't like the stress of it, or the sheer volume that I'm expected to put out. *snickers - I said 'put out'*

Add to that the fact that I don't have any health insurance until next month, the stress levels are high. Besides the obvious, not having insurance is a very bad thing for me for other reasons. I exist on a cocktail of 3 anti-depressants. To the tune of about $2000 a month. Guess what I can't afford without insurance? Bingo. I (kind of) planned ahead though. I've cut all my pills in half and for last month and this month I've been on a half dose.

I'm not gonna lie, it hasn't been easy. I don't know how many of you know any one with true biologically based clinical depression - but without my medications, I'm just not me. I have a hard time to just get the basics of life handled. Adding exercising and healthy eating into that, and I am so overwhelmed I'm on the verge of tears daily.

I've got to admit, I have not done well the last few weeks. Not by a long shot. I finally went to weight watchers for the first time in 3 weeks this morning and I was up 3 fucking pounds. It pissed me off. I'm mad at myself. I am better than that. I can do better than that.

And I'm going to. Because life is to short and this is just a season I have to get through.

Only 24 more days and those happy pills are MINE!

Friday, May 6, 2011

Lately I've Had This Feeling...

I feel that 20, 30, or even 40 years from now...

I'll look back at this time in my life...

I'll look back on all the happy moments amidst the chaos...

I'll look back on crazy schedules, early mornings and the feeling of pure insanity...

I'll look back on all my accomplishments with getting healthy...

I'll look back on how amazing it was to raise a bunch of kids...

I may even look back with fondness on my career...

Even running maybe???

Even though life really seems hectic, and I sometimes want to give up...

Even though our time lately seems full of unknowns...

I'm pretty sure I'm living the very best years of my life.

Right now.