Monday, June 6, 2011

Nut Up. Or Shut the F*ck Up.

We some girls with baggage up in here. Hopefully you had a chance to read Fat Girl Slim's post about her anxiety the other day. Although anxiety isn't one of them, I've got all kinds of issues.

The major one that has been overshadowing EVERYTHING in my life the last few weeks/months has been my depression. If you didn't already know it, I have crazy clinical depression. Like, no laughing matter, type of depression.

I take a cocktail of 3 different anti-depressants every day just to maintain. (For inquiring minds, it's Effexor, Abilify and Welbutrin) Since my family and I moved, we've had to go without health insurance for a while. There's those few months in between your old job's insurance and your new jobs kicking in. So, I cut all my pills in half and have been "surviving" on a half dose. Well, that shit didn't work. I've been crazy the last 2 months. All I can say is that my husband is a fucking saint. I don't have any idea how he puts up with me. He's amazing.

So, long story short, last week I had to go without.

Not. One. Damn. Pill.

I pretty much NEVER talk about my depression because people judge and it hurts. But I'm gonna open up to you guys cause it helps and you're always so supportive.

It was bad. Really, crazy, overwhelmingly, horribly fucking bad.

Don't get me wrong, I've never been suicidal. I consider that the most self-centered thing a person could ever do. But I would have welcomed a fatal accident with open arms.

I've had my pills for the last 3 days and I'm finally starting to pull out of it.

Thank God.

I don't know how much more me, or my family, could have taken.

Here's what I do know though.

I've got a half marathon in 5 weeks.

And I knew that I had to either run my 6 miles this weekend, or just admit that I was not going to be ready on July 9th.

But when it comes time to nut up or shut up?

I NUTTED like a mother fucker.

You KNOW this!!!


  1. You are amazeballz girl -- so inspiring and I puffy heart you sfm! <3

  2. Way to nut it, MT! So glad you're getting your mental health back, and what better way to celebrate than a half marathon?

  3. Ohh... I've been there. I had a doctor 2 years ago abruptly take me off my meds to start new ones. It didn't go well, I got physically sick as well. She's not my doctor anymore :) You're going to feel great soon!