Kickin' Ass And Takin' Names

So, this is exactly what I haven't been doing lately.

I was doing really kick ass before I left for the boat. I was tracking like I'm supposed. Maintaining a (relatively) healthy diet. Exercising.

When I was gone - I did none of those things. I assumed I would just start back up where I'd left off, but that hasn't been the case. Since I've gotten back I've had a really bad "whatever" attitude. I've eaten candy, had way to much soda, and gorged myself on pizza last night.

What the hell Muffin Top?!

I know better than that. I do. But I can't seem to care enough to actually do what I know I need to. It's like my willpower is still back on that boat.

This Sunday is our half. I was certain I could make it down to 160 by the time it rolled around. And will I? Hell no. Not unless I end up with a vicious stomach flu.

I'm pissed off. I'm disappointed. I'm irritated. And it's all my fault - which makes it even worse.

I honestly don't have any idea what to do. I more or less have the exercise down, but I just CAN NOT get my eating under control. I need a list, my "to-dos" that are non-negotiable.

I've written down the things that I absolutely have to start / keep doing, here it is:

Things I am committing to:

1. Track everything, and I mean everything that I eat.
2. Absolutely no alcohol until after the half (once it's over that changes!).
3. Tweet my calorie summary every evening (cals in, cals exercised, and cal differential).
4. Do either The Shred or pilates each morning before work.
5. Get as much sleep as possible. Eight hours is ideal, but not always realistic.
6. Keep a positive attitude and do not entertain negative thoughts.

Time To Re-visit That Bucket List!

If you've been following this blog for any length of time (and if not, WTF??), you'll remember that on June 17th I wrote out my summer bucket list. Well here we are, and it's almost September! How the hell did that happen? I'm really not sure, but I wanted to re-visit the list and talk about what I have (and still have not) done. Time is getting short!

I have to say though, I'm getting ridiculously excited for fall. Something about the cooler weather and school starting again just makes everything seem new. New school shoes, new backpacks, new attitude maybe?? That's my hope. I'm desperately trying to remove the giant stick that's still residing in my ass.

So let's go through the list, shall we?? Time to talk about what I need to do to finish it, and look back on what I actually did.

-Purge and have a huge garage sale:

Garage sale accomplish. Money made. Space made. Total win.

Cash money, baby!!!!

-Make fabulous sangria on hot weekend nights:

Holy crap, I still haven't done this yet! I haven't been big on the alcohol this summer since we've been running so much. I may have to make this as a post-race treat next weekend!

-Grill fruit-kabobs with pineapple, peaches, grapes and mango:

I haven't got to this one either. Must remedy ASAP.

-Learn to make a perfect berry sorbet:

This was delish! I can't believe I don't have a picture!!! I used this recipe. Try it. Fabulous.

-Run a 15k (July 10th, holla!):

We all know I did this. We talked about it at length. It sucked big donkey balls, but hey, I did it.

I still can barely think about the torture that was this run...

-Complete a long, sunrise run:

We did a few of these, actually! And believe it or not, they were all pretty great.

Actual shot out my window before one run... it's DARK.

-Throw a kick ass party:

We actually did have a pretty epic going away party for my husband. It was bittersweet, but still remains one of my favorite memories this summer.
-Drink a root beer float:

Done. Should do it again before summer is over.

-See at least a couple beach sunsets:

I think I saw three? Maybe 4? I feel SO fortunate to live on the west coast, only a mere 1.5 hours from the beach. We need to get over there one more time before summer is out. I freaking heart the beach.

-Have a fabulous date night with Mr. FGS wearing something new and smaller in size:

Fuck yes I did this! Twice! I adore my husband, and we had such a great time. I can't wait until he gets home so we can have more nights with just the two of us.

Not bad.  Not bad at all.

-Find a spot away from the city to star gaze with the family:

I haven't accomplished this one yet. Must figure it out.

-Deep clean my house from top to bottom:

Done, done, and done again. It's actually clean right now!

-Make huge batches of sun tea with lemon bought from the farmer's market:

I've done this more times than I can count. Sun tea with lemon is my BFF.

-Cook yummy food using the veggies from my garden:

We've done LOTS of this! Stuffed zucchini, lots of recipes with bell peppers and tomatoes. We even harvested our potatoes and made yummy stuff with them.

-Take long, peaceful naps with my babies after long runs:

I've done this almost every week! Naps are awesomesauce.

-Make homemade granola:

Not yet. I still haven't found a recipe that sounds good but isn't 50 million calories.

-Figure a way to display more of my husband's photography in our house:

Also a not yet. I figured out which pictures I want and where, but haven't actually ordered. Soon.

The Post Wherein There Is No Subject

So, I don't really have any ideas for a post today. My plan? Nothing to far from the norm. I'm going to ramble about things that have been on my mind.

Yesterday I learned about the wonder thing that is laser stretch mark removal. Oh Mah Gawd! It's like the heavens opened up and pigeons flew and angels sang. I want some!!! I know some of you weren't cursed with stretch marks **cough** Fat Girl Slim **cough**. Bitches. So totally unfair. So, I'm starting a "Make MT Sexy" fund. Feel free to send cash...

Really, there just are no words...

There is such a thing as too skinny. And it's not attractive. It's straight up nasty. There's a chick that goes to our gym, and that we occasionally see out riding her bike, that is so freaking skinny that it makes me want to vomit. VOMIT!!! I want to buy home-girl a hamburger, or twelve. I swear to you, her thigh is smaller around than her knee. Why the hell do they continue to let her in the gym? She should be banned from all cardio machines. It's so not right, serious issues right there.

If you look like this, get. the. fuck. off. the. treadmill.

Alcohol is my best friend and my worst enemy. I like me a drink or two. This is no secret. And it's really not even that bad for you in moderation, and assuming you account for it in your daily caloric intake. It's my enemy because after a drink my brain says "MT - you are hungry. You need to eat. You deserve to eat. You can not live if you do not eat that bag of chips". Yeah, this is a bag thing. My will power goes straight out the window. How the hell am I supposed to get past that? I want my drinks without having to eat, and eat, and eat. I mean, I know an anorexic stoner for Pete's sake. I want that kind of willpower!!!

Yes, yes it does...

The Big Green Hump: Week 32

Happy Hump Day, bloggie friends!  I forgot to get my green hump on last week, so I figured I might as well make up for it.  Today's smoothie is really exciting to me, becasue it is FULL of iron, and it doesn't taste like total ass.  Always a plus, right?  Calorie count is a little high on this one, but it easily makes 2 or 3 big servings worth of smoothie.  Without further ado...

"Pumping Iron"

1 ripe mango, peeled and pitted
2 cups frozen pineapple
2 large ripe bananas, peeled
2 cups organic kale
1 cup fresh, organic Italian parsley
4 to 6 ounces of filtered water
 
Blend. Drink. Repeat.

I'm On A Boat

Well ladies, I'm back. I'm hoping you realized I was gone, maybe even missed me a little bit?

I had a weekend of epic proportions - possibly the most (girl-only) fun of my entire life! What was I doing you might be wondering... Well, as I reminded everyone over, and over, and over again:

I [was] ON A BOAT!!!



Did I work out? Nope. Did I eat good? Nope. Did I track calories? Nope. Did I stop drinking when enough was enough? Nope.

As far as the "healthfulness" of my mini-vaca goes - epic fail. But you know what? That's okay. I'm totally fine it. I truly needed this get away. Time to completely let loose and just laugh. Time to realize that life isn't actually all work, laundry, waist lines, stress, grocery shopping, stupid co-workers, car troubles, workouts, missed workouts, money troubles, calorie counting, marriage troubles ... It is more, and I had forgotten that.

So, today when I got a completely irritating email from "that" stupid co-worker, my blood pressure didn't spike, I didn't cuss and bemoan my life - I laughed.

Today when I thought I might die during my 5 mile run? I finished it anyway. I was the one single person this weekend to speed walk up a hill, without getting out of breath.

And that? That is worth the time off from my training, and any pain I might face getting back in the groove of things.

Life IS good.

Finding The Will.

I need to find the will...

to not sprint down the hall...

 to the kitchen at work...

where all this crap is located...

and instead, take my tired ass to the gym...

even though I have zero desire to do so...

The end.

This Week's Progress

Long time no see!

Sorry for our delayed absence and lack of posting - I'm gonna blame it all on FGS, of course ;)

On Monday I promised to tweet my daily caloric numbers each night. For those of you who might not be following us on Twitter (if not, please, please, please would you?!) I thought I would show you my numbers too.

Monday
Consumed: 1,546
Exercised: 680
Differential: - 1022

Tuesday
Consumed: 1,534
Exercised: 670
Differential: - 1024

Wednesday
Consumed: 1,758
Exercised: 815
Differential: -946

So far this week (since Monday), I've had a total of negative 2,992. WOOT!!! That's almost a one pound deficit!

Problem is, I'm leaving tomorrow morning for my last hurrah of the summer. There will be considerable quantities of alcohol consumed, there's just no way around it. I think (cross your fingers) that I have the food thing more or less situated - I just have to really pay attention to the calories in my drinks.

I will try my best to continue tweeting my numbers, but I can't make any guarantees. I can tell you this though, be prepared for some drunk tweeting this weekend ;)

Unfortunately I need to spend the last hour at work actually doing work, so that's all for today!

Have a wonderful (and in control - at least calorie wise) weekend!

Monday Fat Stat's Week 31

I'm going to start this weeks stats off with the data, here it goes:

Fat Girl Slim's Week 31 Numbers:

Muffin Top's Week 31 Numbers:

There are a lot of negative things that I could say right now. I'm frustrated, I'm depressed, I'm completely discouraged, I'm feeling like it's all been pointless.

But I'm going to try to focus on the positive, to keep on keepin' on, in the hopes that it really is mind over matter.

Here's the facts - I worked out like a maniac last week. I ate pretty good. I did not drink over the weekend. But, I didn't track my food over the weekend. So even though I "think" I did good, who knows?! Maybe I royally screwed up and that's the reason I gained this weekend :(

Fact is, I've lost ELEVEN inches. That's nothing to laugh at!

Fact is, I AM GOING TO lose more!

How? You might be wondering... Well, my goal is to tweet my daily caloric intake, expenditures, and differential every day this week. I am going on vacation Friday - Monday, so I might not be able to then. I will try my best to get it done though! (If you aren't following us on Twitter, get to it!!!)

I guess there isn't really much else I have to say that wouldn't be a downer.

I'm going to sit here and give myself a pep talk, and maybe even do some work ;)

Sometimes Everyone Needs A Muse

Lately I've been less than inspired about exercise. I've still been doing it [and doing it, and doing it well...], but unfortunately it's been pretty damn torturous. It's not always that way. Sometimes I feel super motivated to get out there and run forever on the damn treadmill. Some days I can play the reasons for exercise like a slideshow in my head. I picture myself skinny at my husband's graduation. I picture all kinds of things.

So what's up with me lately? Why can't I pull my head out? MT says I've been in a funk ever since my husband left 3 weeks ago. I won't lie; it definitely has been a major adjustment. Things are getting better though, albeit slowly. It's actually been 3 days since the ever present lump in my throat has been around, and I actually don't think I've cried since Sunday! That's improvement, folks! My interest in things I love just hasn't come back yet though. I've noticed how much I'm just "getting by" lately and how I'm constantly drifting away to anywhere else but the present.

This is me... spacing out again.

I really need to get a clue and snap out of this! I'm usually a pretty positive person. Most days just being alive and healthy is enough for me. It's not good enough for me to just let these next 4 months pass me by. I want to be present in them. I want to work hard and get the body I really want to have by November. I need to get my head out of my ass and get motivated. So I figured I should make a new list of motivators! I've done a previous post about what motivates me, but the reasons are constantly changing. At this moment, I have 4 very specific motivators to play over and over in my mind while I'm on the treadmill.

Motivator #1: My husband is away at academy with a bunch of girls.

Ok, so this probably sounds irrationally jealous and insecure, but I keep envisioning these chicks walking around campus in their little bikinis.  Yes, I totally know that doesn't happen, but it sure makes me want to put in more treadmill time!!! I want him to come home and think I'm the hottest thing he's seen all week. I don't want to be the ugly, fat wife. I want to be the young, sexy, skinny wife. Add another mile to the treadmill.

Pretty sure this one sits right next to my husband in class....

Motivator #2: My husband's graduation.

Geez, seems like my world focuses around him a lot, non? He graduates in November, and I am desperate to wear a hot skirt. It's the next major "dress up" event we have going on, and I really want to wow him. I keep picturing a smaller me in a totally cute outfit. This keeps me running on the mill when I really want to quit.

This is the outfit I constantly picture myself in while I'm running...

Motivator #3: Fall is coming up and I want cute jeans.

We've probably only got 2 months left of warm weather, at best. How fun would it be to get a new [smaller] winter wardrobe? Smaller jeans, smaller sweaters, smaller clothing in general. And better than that, how fun would it be to clothes shop and ACTUALLY fit in the sizes I want to?!?! I can do this; I have time. I just need to be motivated.  Seriously, a great pair of jeans can make me feel better than anything else.  I WANT those jeans.

And I want to be one of those women!!!

Motivator #4: I want to be skinny by the time I'm 30.

Technically, that means I have a year. I'm about to turn 29 next month. Have I mentioned how scared I am to be leaving my 20s? I'm terrified. When I've always pictured myself at 30, I've seen someone skinny. I've seen someone who has her life together. When I used to picture what my 30 would look like, I pictured a skinny me with 2.5 kids, a dog, a great job and an awesome husband. This is what 18 year old me had in mind. And you know what? I have everything I ever wanted in time for 30 and more really, except the skinny. I'm happy, healthy, employed at a job I love, and I have an amazing family. I really, REALLY want the skinny.

Yep, that's about how I feel.

I'm trying, trying, trying to pull my head out, guys. Slowly but surely I'll find my way back.

So what are your motivators? What makes you get on that treadmill every day? What makes you skip the donut? I'd love to hear.

Ew .... Gross

If you are dainty, or girly, or otherwise offended by talk of bodily fluid - here's your warning: gross, nastiness talk ahead.

With that being said, let me start with telling you that the phrase "men sweat, women glow" is complete crap.

I never used to sweat very much. Even in my younger (college) days, when I was really thin and worked out daily. Even back then I didn't sweat that much. Don't get me wrong, everyone sweats, and I did too, some. But now, now I sweat fucking bullets.

It's completely NASTY! I have to wear Bondi head bands every time I work out to keep the sweat from running into my eye balls and blinding me. We're not just talking on long runs either. When I do the 25 minute Shred DVD - yep, gotta wear it. When I do a quick 3 miles on lunch - yep, gotta wear it. When I do intervals - yep, gotta wear it.

This is one of my favorite head bands!

What, pray tell, might happen should I forget said head band? It's the stuff of nightmares. The sweat literally pours down my forehead. I have to continually wipe my forehead, wipe my hand off on my shorts, wipe my forehead, wipe my hand off, wipe my ...

And the head sweat isn't all of it.

At first I couldn't figure out what kept hitting my arm. Every so often something small would hit me on the arm, I would look around confused and not be able to figure out what it was. Until it finally dawned on me. My pits were dripping sweat, and it was falling down and hitting my arm.

DISGUSTING!!!

How the hell did this level of nastiness happen to me?! I've read that the more in shape you are, the more your body sweats. Hmmm... Not sure if I'm buying that one. I've been in shape before, and I sure as hell wasn't dripping sweat!

Yes, it's really that bad. And no, that isn't me.

Is it just the extra weight? Does it make me heat up more? Does it make my body work harder? I have no freakin' idea!!!

How about you guys? Anyone else have this problem??? I'm not all alone in my disgusting body secretions am I?

The Big Green Hump: Week 30

Happy HUMP Day, bloggie friends!!! Even though I've been in sort of a funk [that's putting it mildly], I figured I'd introduce you to my new favorite green smoothie recipe today!

This smoothie uses avocado to up the creamy factor [*snort*], and even though it sounds sort of gross, I promise, it's totally fab.  Besides, avocados are nutritional powerhouses.  [Side note: I'm pretty sure MT is gagging, because she hates avocado.  Fear not friends, you CANNOT taste it.  Promise.]

"You Put The Lime In The Coconut"

8oz water
1/2 cup coconut milk
2 cups baby spinach
1/2 ripe avocado
1 banana
1 lime, squeezed (just add the juice, no peel)
handful of ice

Put it all together and get your blend on, baby!!!

Fat Stats: Week 30

Week freakin' 30?! Where the hell does the time go? At a pound a week, if I had been a good girl, I would have met my goal this week. {{crying real tears here}}

I'm discouraged because I screwed up royally this weekend and the scale reflected it.

Mmmmm, so yummy and so BAAAAAAD!

I'm totally pissed at myself. I ran ELEVEN miles on Saturday. Before that I had already ran 17 miles during the week. I've done the 30 Day Shred every day.

And I didn't lose one God forsaken pound.

{{screaming, cussing, carrying on}}

Since I have nothing positive to say, I'll just throw out the numbers and promise that my next post won't be so pissy.

Fat Girl Slim's Week 30 Numbers:

Muffin Top's Week 30 Numbers:

How Things Change

In the moment time seems to drag by.

Just shy of 7 months ago Fat Girl Slim and me started the Couch to 5K program. Our first "runs" (and I use the term loosely) alternated 60 seconds of walking with 90 seconds of walking. And it was hard. I complained, and wheezed, and thought I might have a heart attack.

We followed the entire C25K program and ran our 5K in April. It took just over 37 minutes, and that was running way to fast. I seriously believed FGS was going to puke. The rest of that day I was wrecked! I laid around and took a nap for a few hours.

I ran 4 miles at the gym during lunch today. In 47 minutes no less. I know that's not record setting speed, but for me it IS! I'm not gonna say it was easy, cause I busted it out today. I spent the last mile slowly increasing from a 4.8 mph to 6.5 mph at the very end. I could barely breath, but I CAN DO IT!

My body has changed. My endurance boggles my mind! We ran 10 miles this last Saturday morning (in 2 hours & 16 minutes!). Did I lay around all day afterwards? Nope. Did I need a nap? Nope. Was I wrecked afterwards? NO WAY!!!

Why? Cause I AM a runner beyotches!

I can't wait until my thighs and ass look like this!!!

High Times

This morning I had a dental "procedure" done.  Ok, backstory first or this won't make sense.  In high school, while golfing, I knocked out my two front teeth.  Yeah, WTF, right?  Anyways, it was a freak thing, and they were able to put the teeth back in.  Pain, suffering, blah, blah, blah.  Fast forward 10 years, and one of my beautiful front teeth is now dead and preparing for it's departure from my skull.  Apparently after you knock teeth out, then have them stuffed back in your head, they only last so long.  Who knew, right?

Yup, I lost THOSE two.  Although mine weren't quite as large...

So today, I had what is known as an "implant" [but not for your boobies!] screwed into my jaw bone.  I'll save you from the horrors that is this procedure [your welcome], but needless to say, it's totally painful and yucky and awful.  Five hours later, and I'm all swollen gums and stitches.  Fucking SUPER!

Can you believe they kept me AWAKE while doing this?

Never one to forget the silver lining, however, let me tell you the good news.  I've sat at my desk for the past 3 hours stoned out of my freaking MIND.  Pain meds can be seriously good times apparently!  Not only do they help stop the painful throbbing in my mouth [insert a plethora of penis jokes here], but they make me feel high as a kite!  I shit you people not, I'm pretty sure my chair has been floating for most of the afternoon.  Currently, I'm actually contemplating how I will be able to walk down the hall to the bathroom to pee. 

This is me today.  No, seriously.

The entire point of this rambling post is to let you know this: I have a lot to say this week, but I can't say it today.  I spent an hour yesterday on the treadmill writing up a great post in my head.  I promise to get it posted later this week when I'm in a better frame of mind.  Pinky swear and all that crap.

As for today, I'm going to sit back and try not to think about the pain in my jaw that's getting progressively worse.  After all, it's only an hour until I can take another pain pill.  Cheers.

And Then ... There Was Hope

I've been at a stand still lately. With my weight loss, with my marriage, with my life in general. I haven't been willing to make the effort with eating healthy, haven't been putting the work into my marriage that it needs, haven't been living life like I should.

I don't like to talk about it, but I've dealt battled with depression for most of life. I take a never ending cocktail of prescriptions in my attempt to be "normal". Whatever the hell that is.

I had gotten to the point where I basically just didn't care. Why the hell try when I'm destined to fail? Why eat good when I'm just going to be a lard ass no matter what? Why work on my relationship when I won't ever have the marriage you see in fairy tales?

This post is supposed to be about hope, and it will be, I swear. But I wanted to give you a glimpse into where my head has been. How utterly hopeless I've felt. How I was just THIS close to saying fuck it all.

All I can say is thank God I have Fat Girl Slim to tell me we ARE going to eat better, that this shit is ON. Thank God I have a husband that won't let me give up.

Last week I did it, I tracked my food, I did my workouts - I screwed up on Sunday, true - but the scale is inching down!!! It really is.

I CAN DO THIS.

There is hope.

And I have it.

Monday Fat Stat's: Week 29

So, I'm not in a very good mood. Between having a never ending cold and things being tense at home, I just don't have it in me to be positive and chipper. That said, fat stats must go on regardless of my state of mind.

Queue perkiness here...

Progress is being made people! A quarter inch and tenth of a pound at a time :)

Fat Girl Slim's Week 29 Numbers:

Muffin Top's Week 29 Numbers:

So what's on for this week? Exercise wise, here's what we're looking at:

We have progressed on to level 2 of the shred, but Sunday will be the first day we move on to level 3. FGS is stoked, myself? Not so much. Not a huge fan of the level 3. It does the job though, so I can't complain (too much).

Most important though is continuing to track all of my calories consumed. Before last night I was doing really, really good. The tracking totally does what it's supposed to. I had been down THREE pounds for the week. Note to self: no beer and pizza the night before a weigh in.

Here's to a good week!