Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Important Life Lessons

Listen closely, as today’s post just might save you a ton of frustration, pain, and embarrassment. I’ve learned some very valuable lessons, ones that my very hippie (and hairy) step-mother would never have even realized were essential life lessons to be taught to every young girl.

I’d been thinking about getting an at home waxing kit, so I finally bit the bullet and ordered one from Amazon. When it came in the mail I was SO excited! After all, I’ve been dropping 60 big ones every month or so to be nice and smooth. The kit has a little warmer and everything! Like a profession set-up … or so I thought.

Here it is:
This seems like a good idea, right?! Right???

On Sunday morning I did my usual newspaper read, house cleaning, and laundry. Then, I decided it was time, I grabbed my stuff and headed to the bathroom. I stripped off my pants (and panties, natch!) and stood in front of the mirror. You have to apply some “pre-wax” goop, so I did that and blotted it off as instructed. The wax was a little weird to handle, kind of drippy all over. But I managed to get the first glop smeared in a fairly straight line. I pressed the little strip thingy down on it, inhaled deeply, and ripped that bitch right off.

And it worked AWESOMELY!!! I kick ass and could totally make a living making bare beavers if I wanted to! Hurray me :)

And ... this is where it all went downhill.

The first strip wasn’t really painful. Not so much on the next 2 or 3 tries. I was pulling off most of the wax, but there were little remnants being left behind. So, just use the remover and continue on, right?

This brings us to rule #1:

#1: Whether you buy a kit or each item individually - always, always, always, ALWAYS make sure you have wax remover!

I was in a hell of a predicament. How the hell do I get the extra wax off? Oh well, no worries. Start what you finish, right?

Once I had the, um, how do I put this, top of the triangle done - it was time to move lower. And it started to hurt. And get really messy. I was having a hard time distinguishing between wax globs, hair and wax globs full of hair.

The kit comes with an after wax "cooling" gel. I figured that aught to help, right? Yeah, no such luck.

At this point Mr. MT came to see what was taking me so damn long. His advice, put some baby powder on it. I was willing to try anything at this point. I put a wash cloth on the ground, sat down, and powdered my ass like a newborn baby. And God did it feel good! But now I had wax globs covered in baby powder and the mess was of epic proportions. I couldn't stop half way through though. I am not a quitter.

This whole process requires a small bit of flexibility, picture this, but naked with baby powder and wax everywhere and look of agony on my face:

Hmm ... so that's what that looks like ...

Now is a good point bring up rule #2, which I'll put as delicately as possible:

#2: The first time you try waxing yourself, never ever, ever, ever, ever head straight for Brazil.

Really, it's impossible to describe this delicately, so I'll just mention to you all the crucial pieces and let you put the puzzle together:

A. No wax remover
B. A shit ton of baby powder
C. A reddish, purplish, hickey looking spot right on the "V" line where my body meets my leg. (Those of you who know Hockyward will appreciate this!)
D. At this point my hands are also covered in wax and super sticky
E. My lips (and not the ones I talk with!) are SCREAMING at me. Poor things are, underneath the wax and powder, red and in pain.

I was past the point of tears, but I finished it ALL. (With the exception of the, um ... very back area ...) But what the hell do I do now? First I had to un-sticky my hands. I grabbed the rubbing alcohol and cotton balls and scrubbed them off. Hmm ... that worked pretty good on my hands ... I wonder if it would work on ....

Rule #3: DO NOT EVER (and I really, really mean this) DO NOT EVER put rubbing alcohol any where near that area of your body. For those of you who are mothers - this pain almost rivaled labor with my 11 pound son.

That's all I can say about that. The memory of that pain is still to fresh.

I won't bore you with any more way-to-personal details of the process. I'll just let you know that a hot shower and a loofah, followed by a bath, followed by another shower and more loofah-ing does NOT remove wax.

I have personally brought an entirely new meaning to the term "my lips are sealed".

Just imagine the bricks are wax chunks, and the lips are, well, you know ...

Once I emerged from the bathroom - 2 hours later - I checked my phone and found numerous texts from Fat Girl Slim. Shit. I had spaced out on our weekend run. Which brings us to our fourth and final rule of of the day:

#4 Do not, ever, attempt your first waxing mere hours before your scheduled 7 mile run.

I hope you take this to heart. I've learned my lesson, that's for sure.

Will I try it again? Yeah, I'm stupid and crazy like that. I ordered a HUGE bottle of wax remover though!!!


  1. Yeah. Here's what I did. I bought some neet cire divine. It's the kind of wax that you don't need strips for. Needless to say, it was not divine. It hardens a bit then you can apparently rip away. So my plan was to just do my bikini line. It turns out it hardens to your skin and your hairs resulting in me ripping off my skin too. Mainly skin really, a few hairs came out. Bad situation lemme tell ya.

    Oh and here's a helpful hint. Like dissolves like. So if you're ever out of wax remover - grab some oil, mineral, baby, olive. canola whatever floats your boat.

  2. OMG! If only I'd known, I would've had every single bottle of oil up in the bathroom.

    I thought about trying the hard wax, but I'm SO glad I didn't now.

    Maybe a couple of cocktails before hand is the key???

  3. CC here (I'm just too lazy to switch google accounts):

    I'd probably fuck it up more if I boozed it up beforehand. I'm just going to have someone do it for me. Easier.

  4. As a waxer, I can say I think people assume its A LOT easier than it is! I have a few clients come in needing me to "finish" the job. If you are THAT insistent on doing it yourself, here are some tips:
    -apply in thin layers. the goopier the wax, the more will be left behind.
    - i always use strip wax for the top and hard wax (stripless wax) for the lower region. it's MUCH gentler and less painful.
    -use only oil to remove the wax...NO rubbing alcohol.
    -hold the skin TIGHT. loose skin=skin being removed along with the hair.
    -where you bruised is a VERY common spot because of how thin the skin is along the tendon. seperate the leg into two sections. 1 being below the tendon (usually the hair grows up) and 2 being above the tendon where your underwear line is. DO NOT wax over the tendon.

    Honestly I would just get a professional to do may be out 60 bucks but its a lot less painful and only 30 minutes of torture...
    :) happy waxing!

  5. genevieve - thanks for the advice! since i blew all the $$$ on the stuff, I'm going to try it ONE more time. i was mainly trying to save some cash, but it's certainly not worth it at this point.
    btw, i got a HUGE bottle of wax remover!!!

  6. ow OW OWWWWW!!! ok off to retweet this because people NEED to be warned! so many "I'm off to do this myself!" kinda comments and i am scared - lol... or not so lol.. this is serious bidness people, as you know!

    : )

  7. Thanks so much for the warning. Anytime I consider saving money by self waxing I will think of you and pick up my cell to call for an appointment with Hailey, my waxer... Consider it lesson taught well.