Thursday, April 1, 2010

You Can't Live In Fear

I have a bit of a confession to make. I live in near constant fear and worry. I just wasn't born with the ability to relax and let things go, to be zen, to not worry about what tomorrow will bring. So it's only natural that this would transcend into my exercise and weight loss efforts.

My most frequent and tangible fear is of my scale. I suppose it's completely irrational, but none the less, it is. The damn thing rules me. Every morning I stand before it, wondering if today will be a good day, or if it is about to go straight to shit. And it really, really does affect me. I consider myself an intelligent person, I honestly know better than this. But, it is what it is.
 Please, oh please, oh please let it be okay

Now that I'm seeing (somewhat) consistent results and exercising frequently, I'm terrified of missing a workout. Like that one run or shred will seal my fate. Missing one workout will turn into missing two, and then another, and another, and sooner rather than later I will be right back where I fucking started. And why wouldn't why? It's what I've always done.

The thing that I fear the most though, I don't ever talk about. I don't think I've ever even admitted it out loud. It's basically a fear of the inevitable. Deep down I believe that it's inevitable that I end up back where I started, or worse. I don't come from a family of slender people. I can count the number of family members that are at a healthy weight on one hand. It feels like a death sentence.

But over the course of the past couple of months I've come to a realization that gives me some hope. My failure may or may not be inevitable, but I can tell you for damn sure that I won't be going down with a fight.

You won't take me down mother fucker!!!

It's like FGS said the other day - you have to be tenacious. When you fail, and at times you will, you pick yourself up and get back to it. When you miss a workout, for whatever reason, you DO NOT miss the next one. When you have a food binger you DO NOT use it as an excuse to continue and poorly the rest of the day. Don't live in guilt over yesterday or in fear of what tomorrow will bring. Today is a brand new day, so get to it!!!

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