Goodbye Liquid Satan, It's Been Fun.

Growing up, I was never allowed to drink any kind of soda. My mom assured me it would rot my teeth and make me evil. She called it "legal crack", and though I hate to admit it, mom was right on the mark. Although I don't think it is really classified as a gateway drug, the stuff is addictive and really bad for you.

Apparently, this shit will kill you!

When Muffin Top and I decided to start this "ditch the chunk" movement, one of the first things I mentioned was quitting our Diet Dr. Pepper addiction.  MT was less than thrilled. You see, we work at a great company. They are so great, in fact, that they stock an entire refrigerator with beverages for us. An entire cabinet is dedicated to junk food of all kinds. This works out well for all the skinny, programmer dudes in need of a sugar high, but not so much for me and my fat ass.

The problem with having soda available 24/7 is simple. You drink it. Even when you don't really want one, it's there, so you drink it. Soda drinking is without question my worst habit. I'm hard core, can’t you tell? But drugs are so not my thing, and smoking is gross. I do soda. I'm such a bad ass.

Don't worry boys, I don't do bad ass well either...

Let's be real though, the wonderfully, sugary effervescence may seem harmless, but it's not. It's bad for your teeth (just ask my mom!). It's bad for your waistline, and I don't give a flying fuck if it's diet. That's even worse. Those chemicals probably turn into formaldehyde in your body. And I don't know about anyone else, but I don't want to be embalmed until I'm actually dead. Even when I’m dead I don’t plan on being embalmed, if you want to know the truth. I’m not a fan of tight spaces, so no one better bury me in the ground, that’s all I’m saying. Are you reading this, Mr. FGS? Don’t put me six feet under!

Back to the matter at hand, there's no easy out for this one. MT and I had to drop soda like the bad habit it was. It's the debil. Those first several days without it were a nasty bitch. I'm on day 11 though, and so far (even though it's only 11 am) I haven't even had a craving! That's progress, my friends.

In lieu of liquid Satan, I've been drinking a lot of water and unsweetened iced tea. You don't even have to ask, because I'll tell you. It sucks so hard. However, there's no time like the present to make these changes. Skinny is waiting.

Talk Dirty To Me

Mr. MT is going to get so lucky tonight. He earned it!

I'm really somewhat of a floozy, it's pretty easy to get me in "the mood". Don't get me wrong, I'm DEFINITELY a one man kind of woman! I'm just saying that I like to show my man exactly how much I love him. There is a little problem though - this isn't the case when I'm feeling bad about myself, which lately has been almost all of the time. All I can see is my rolls and the cottage cheese that is my thighs - times like this it's hard to believe him when he says he wants me. I mean how could he?!

But this morning, while I was in the kitchen making every one's lunch, he walked by and grabbed my ass. This isn't anything unusual and normally I wouldn't have given it a second thought. Except after he walked by, he turned around gave it another squeeze and then he said ...

"OOH! It feels tighter"

And ... down they come cum

Oh baby I love it when you talk dirty to me!!!

Because really isn't that what this whole half-marathon thing about? Getting healthier, getting in shape, getting to the point where you are confident to run around the house naked? (Unless the kids are home, cause that's just weird!)

I can promise you that tonight I WILL be working out - I can't wait to keep firming up, so that I can keep "firming" up my man ;)

Oh no she di-int just say that?!

The Big Green Hump: Week 3

Wow, I can't believe we are on week 3 already. Time flies when you are starving and in agony...or something. Today I offer up for your enjoyment, a VERY green smoothie. Don't be turned off by the color though! This one is excellent tasting and really healthy.

Today's featured green is kale, and guess what people? Kale kicks some serious ass.  Apparently, kale is the kung fu master of green, leafy veggies. Here's a paragraph from the kind people at Vita-mix about the many benefits of kale:

"Kale is a form of cabbage and related to broccoli, cauliflower and Brussels sprouts. It is very low in calories and contains more nutrients than most other greens. Kale is an excellent source of vitamin K, which is essential for bone and blood health, and helps by mediating coagulation and anticoagulation. Sulforaphane is a chemical found in kale and also sprouts and broccoli. A study published in Drug Discovery Today found that sulforaphane may help stop breast cancer cells from growing. The University of Texas conducted a study and found that a diet rich in kale may prevent bladder cancer by up to 29%. Kale may also help ovarian cancer too. The Nurse’s Health Study observed that women whose diets provided the most kaempferol, a flavonoid found in kale, had a 40% reduction in risk of ovarian cancer. By supplying the body with plenty of calcium, copper and manganese, kale may help absorb iron and prevent bone loss."

Sounds like a seriously healthy plant, right? So, without further ado, I offer up this new smoothie recipe, for your drinking pleasure:

"It Won't Kale You"

-2 frozen bananas
-3 oranges
-2 big leaves of kale (stem included)
-1 tbsp raw agave nectar
-4 cups cold water

Blend it up and enjoy. Then congratulate yourself for being so ridiculously healthy. You deserve it.

Screw You, Jillian Michaels!

This was the phrase I uttered at my TV last night while doing The 30 Day Shred. Ok, the actual phrase I said was much worse than that, but I don't want to prematurely freak out the readers of this blog. Do you know why I was swearing like a sailor? Pain brings out the profanity in me, and I was in some serious pain. Now don't get me wrong, I've got nothing but love for The Shred (unless I'm in the middle of it). There is no better way to get your ass handed to you in 20 minutes. When you are finished, you feel like you've truly worked out, and in my opinion, that's the best kind of work out you can have.

Look at that face.  She wants to torture you.

In the moment though, I pretty much always want to die. Hell, even my husband, who is in really good shape, wants to die. Yet he works out with me every night, faithfully, because he's not a foolish man. He knows there is no way he'll ever get sex on the kitchen counter again unless I get rid of some of this jiggle. There are some things this girl just isn't willing to do in my current state of chubby. Counter sex unequivocally falls into that category.

I need to look like this...without the manly V she has going on.

To get back to my point though (really, did I ever have one?), I think everyone needs to experience The Shred. It will give you an appreciation for muscles you didn't even know you had, I promise. Also, I've found in my previous efforts, it's one of the best ways to see results quickly. And I have no patience; therefore I need to see results asap.

And since we all know I can't afford plastic surgery...

If you are having some chunky issues, as I am, go buy yourself this video. Take some measurements of your waist, hips, bust and arms before you start. It's a great way to track progress when the scale is being stubborn. And let me tell you, my scale is extremely unyielding right now.

Monday Fat Stats - Week 2

It's been a full week since we began our official workout regimen. It hasn't been easy either, even though I wish I could tell you it was. When you've treated your body like crap for a long time, it takes a long time to get all the crap back out. I've wanted something good to eat (not good as in healthy, natch. but good as in YUMMY).

And the soreness - oh holy hell is there soreness. I don't even know what to complain about first - it pretty much all hurts. Whoever started the vicious lie that exercising GIVES you energy can straight up kiss my aching A$$. I know it will get better (someday), but at this point I'm just trying to live through today and walk the fine line between just enough Advil and OD'ing.

So, has it been worth it? Here are our numbers (keep in mind that measurements are usually done once a month and this is just the first week):

Fat Girl Slim: Results after 1 week

 Muffin Top: Results after 1 week

Not to bad - though I HATE that FGS is beating me by a pound. I think that on top of sticking to the workout schedule I need to focus on eating healthy also this week. Speaking of workout schedules...

In our quest to have beautiful runners legs, I present the Couch Potato to 5K: Week 2

Workout 1

Brisk five-minute warm up walk.

Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and

two minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes.

Workout 2

Brisk five-minute warm up walk.

Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and

two minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes.

Workout 3

Brisk five-minute warm up walk.

Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and

two minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes.

As with last week, we will also do 3 days of cross-training. Last week (and probably this week) we having been doing the Shred on these days. If you haven't tried it yet - you HAVE to! It's a guaranteed ass-kicking!

Let's not forget our purpose ladies - here is Muffin Top (by September that is):

Except my boobs are MUCH bigger ;)

Honesty is NOT the Best Policy

Now, don't get me wrong - in general, telling the truth is usually your best bet. Especially when your memory is as bad as mine. If you don't lie, you never have to worry about what you actually told someone versus what really  happened.

What I'm talking about here is being honest with yourself. If I take a real look at the things that I tell myself - I'm betting that a good 50% of it is crap. Think about it - what is going through your head when you look at yourself in the mirror? When you see your most worrisome "trouble" spot in the reflection? I'm guessing it's not "WOW! In no time at all I'm going to have that all slim and shaped up!". My thought process generally runs along the lines of "Oh gross - that is just nasty. I'm never going to get rid of those rolls."

"Ugh - there is way to much junk in that trunk!"

Or how about when you are exercising? Are you thinking "Oh Lawd I'm gonna die", "can't breathe", "will this NEVER end", "kill me now"?
Or when you missed a workout? Do you bemoan the fact, or like me, are you perfectly content because you never wanted to work out in the first damn place?

These are the "truths" that I don't want to be telling myself. I was reading some past entries by my hero "V" over at Violent Acres and realized I could really use her strategy. (Follow the link to read about it)

Basically, it's this - when I'm working out and find myself starting to think "Why am I doing this to myself? The pain! Has it really only been 5 minutes?",  I repeat to myself "I love this! This feels SO good! I never want to stop!" I've been doing it on my last few runs, with every breath (which is about 2 footfalls) I think "LOVE this". So far I'm not fooling anybody. But I have faith, if I say it over and over and over and over and over... Eventually I will just think it without having to tell myself to. Then, at some point, I will just accept it as truth.

Useless Jeopardy knowledge - this quote isn't from Malcolm X, it was repeated by him.

On days where I can't (or just don't) workout, I try to scold myself. Tell myself how icky I feel, how much better the day would have been if only I had exercised.

What's really hard for me is when I'm looking in a mirror. I don't know why it's so hard to just be nice to myself. It's not that I want to become some ego-maniac - I just want to be positive and not get depressed every morning when I get out of the shower and see the reflection of my sagging, stretch marked, nastiness. I'd like to be able to honestly same to myself "Not to shabby MT, not to shabby".

So, what do you think? Can you do it? Can you lie with me? (That sounds way more fun that it really is!)

The Big Green Hump: Week 2

Come Wednesday some weeks, I'm thinking "Hell yeah, already half way through the week!". Then there are weeks like this when I'm sore as all hell and would give my right leg for a Diet Dr. Pepper. All I can think today is "How in the HELL can it only be f@ck!ng Wednesday?!"

So, you can tell I'm adjusting to my new healthy lifestyle incredibly well :)

The only enjoyable thing about the "new" me is my morning smoothie. You can have all the other healthy crap, the vegetables, the work-outs and that she-devil in human form, Jillian Michaels.

I'm gonna make you SCREAM!

Today I'm going to share with you my good ol' standy, my most favorite smoothie of all. Which will henceforth be known as:

The Anti Muffin-Top (aka MT's Favorite)

Put all this in your blender:

1 Banana

2 - 3 Large handfuls of spinach

2 C Frozen Berries (I get the kind from Costco that has raspberries, blue berries and black berries)

1 C Orange Juice

2 C Water (or a little more if you like yours a little more runny)

Then do this:

Blend it all together and enjoy!

I hope you enjoy this one as much as I do. Really the only way to make it better would be to add a little vodka - but the boss really frowns at that one :(

Withdrawal Is A Nasty BITCH.

I'm sitting here at my desk, and I'm about to fully lose my shit. I'm hungry. I'm REALLY hungry. I'm shaky. I'm starting to get a bad headache.

Today is the second day of "operation stop being a fat ass", and as I've noticed before when I've stopped eating shit food, I feel like, well, shit. I quite literally feel like I'm coming down with some sort of sickness and it's ridiculously sad that food makes me feel that way.

This may or may not be me today...

My body is screaming, "Feed me, Seymore!!!", yet my head is saying, "Shut up, Bitch! We've got weight to lose!" My mind is right, I fully know this. I also know the horrible way I'm feeling is a direct result of that annoying douche monkey known as withdrawal. If I can just give my body a couple of weeks, I won't have these annoying symptoms. But oh my hell, what do I do now???

That plant is a lot like my stomach right now...

I figured I'd post a list of the things I'm doing to keep myself from clawing out my eyeballs or chewing off my arm.

1) Chew Gum. Yeah, yeah, I know it isn't good for your jaw. I understand. For some reason however, having something to chew has really been helping me. Maybe it's like quitting smoking. You need something to occupy your mouth (that's what she said).

2) Drink a lot of water. Or you could try unsweetened tea. It doesn't compare to Mt. Dew or a milkshake, I know, but it does help that crappy feeling. Also, it's a great way to detox and rid your body of excess fluids. Nobody needs to be puffy.

3) Take a little walk. If you work at a desk, get away from it for a few. Anything that you can do to get yourself in a new environment for a few minutes will help take your mind of that gnawing pit that is your stomach.

4) Take some drugs. If you get a headache from lack of sugar (or caffeine), take something! Don't be a martyr. A couple ibuprofen or Tylenol can really take the edge off.

And remember, distraction is key. Do anything to keep yourself diverted. Talk with friends. Call your mother. Hell, surf porn on the internet if that floats your boat. Sometimes you have to do whatever it takes to not stuff your face.

Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

Hang in there. If nothing else, writing this entry has stopped me from eating a Snickers. It's amazing what I can be proud of these days.

Monday's Fat Stats

Every Monday we will be updating our measurements and weight lost, and posting our workout schedules for the week. I suppose you might want to know our actual weights, but to bad, so sad! Those numbers are between us and God, and you'll have a better chance of finding out from Him then you will from us.

So, here's what we will tell you -

FGS is 5'3" and has an ultimate goal of losing 50 lbs. Here are her beginning body measurements:

Fat Girl Slim's First Numbers:

MT is 5' 10" and has a goal of losing 30 lbs, here are her numbers: 

Muffin Top's First Numbers:

Each Monday we will post our latest (and hopefully smaller) fat stats and the amount of weight we have lost since the previous week. Now, we are fully aware that this doesn't happen by magic. We have a plan, and we will let you know how well we have followed through so that you can see how that affects our results each Monday.

Since the ultimate goal is to run a half marathon, the most important thing at this point is training for that. We have some smaller (read: shorter) goals before then though, the first being the local 5K on April 10th. To start with we are going to try out the Couch Potato to 5K plan. Here's what the first week entails:

Workout 1

Brisk five-minute warm up walk.

Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and

90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes.

Workout 2

Brisk five-minute warm up walk.

Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and

90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes.

Workout 3

Brisk five-minute warm up walk.

Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and

90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes.

We will also do 3 days of cross-training and have one "rest" day each week.

As far as eating goes, we will probably definitely need to start lining out some menus, etc. But for now, just trust us - we are doing our best to eat healthy!

These Shoes Are Made For Running, And That's What They're Gonna Do...

In previous years, when I've purchased running shoes, I've simply gone to my local Kohl's and picked a pair. If they were comfortable, I was good. I'm not a picky bitch (Although I can't say the same thing for MT). Since it's the start of a brand new running season, MT and I figured we'd actually go to a REAL running store and have our stride analysis done. Thus, hopefully insuring I don't get another injury from wearing the wrong shoes. I needed a professional opinion. I had no idea whether I was overpronating or underpronating or just running like a freaking idiot (which is a distinct possibility).

Is this Lord of the Dance or a Marathon?

So on our prolonged lunch break, MT and I headed out to the Rogue Valley Runners store in Ashland, Oregon. This was a total learning experience, let me tell you. We both wore our old running kicks, and apparently that was the right move, because the dude helping us actually analyzed them as well. This hairy, hippy man knew his shit about running. First he studied our current shoes in great detail. Then, in a totally embarrassing moment, he had us run barefoot on a treadmill with our jeans rolled up, so he could record us and then play it back in slow motion. Now I know no one out there really sees MT or myself in person, but trust me when I say, we've both got some pretty big girls (and I don't mean children). Neither one of us were wearing our sports bras to work today, so I'm pretty sure I almost got knocked the fuck out by my boobs.

After several moments of mortification, the verdict was in. MT is an overpronator. Kind of sounds dirty, doesn't it? I am neutral. How boring, right? Apparently, most of the world either over or underpronates, because the selection of shoes available to us neutral folk was way smaller than the other options. And the shoes weren't as cute either.

Ok, they weren't this bad...

Running dude went right to work though, bringing out boxes and boxes of shoes for us to try on. And I'll say it again, the man knew his shit. The shoes I ended up with are ridiculously comfy and fit my foot like a glove. MT got a nice pair as well. That means at this point, the only thing stopping us from getting in shape is our own laziness and general lack of follow through. I guess we better get over that by Monday.

What about my hair?

I've stopped telling my husband when I have a hair appointment. Not because I'm trying to hide it from him, but because I want him to notice. I'd like for him to actually SEE me - to do more than glance at me while we eat dinner or not really even see me when he gives me a quick peck goodbye in the morning.

Don't get me wrong, Mr. Muffin Top is a wonderful husband - he is a good man, a great father, a hard worker - he's loves his family fiercely and would do anything and everything for us. And I get that, I know it, I know I don't even deserve him, but I appreciate it more than I can say.

But is it so wrong to want him to look at me and NOTICE? To see that THREE inches is gone from my hair? That it's lighter now that I've had highlights? He wouldn't even have to recognize that it was my hair that was different, just that there was something different. To know me so well that he couldn't help but notice something had changed. To say "Damn woman - I don't know what it is, but you look dead sexy."

Look at me! ME! Over here!!!

Am I setting him up for failure? Asking for the impossible? NO. (Those were rhetorical questions, btw). But I am behaving adolescent and focusing on completely frivolous crap.

I do have a slight tendency towards acting like an ass hat. Mr. MT is just a man, he's a person with a million things going on in his own head. And here I am, insisting that to his own huge pile of worries, doubts and long list crap that has to be done, I waiting on him to determine my self worth. Because of my hair. Seriously Muffin Top?

This is another reminder to me that losing weight and feeling better about myself doesn't just involve counting calories and working out. If I am going to have any real LONG TERM success, I have to acknowlege and work on my issues. I'm the only thing standing in the way.

So, let's all say it together: "Nut up, or shut up!"

The Big Green Hump: Week 1

Every Wednesday on the blog, we're going to feature a new Green Smoothie recipe.  What is a green smoothie, you ask?  Simply put, it's a smoothie made with fruit, water and greens, such as baby spinach, romaine lettuce or parsley.  Barf, right?  The fruit covers up the green taste though, I swear.  I'd never be able to choke down a smoothie if it tasted like a salad. 

For starters, I have a serious aversion to all things leafy and green.  When I was in high school I ate a salad from a local restaurant that gave me a very bad case of food poisoning.  Without being too graphic and disturbing you all, let's just say that once a lot of lettuce comes up, you can't really get it down anymore.  It's been years and years since the incident, and the taste of lettuce still triggers my gag reflex like nothing else. 

I stumbled upon green smoothies when I was trying to find a way to add more fruits and veggies to my diet.  They taste great, and I notice when I consistently drink them, I feel better.  I'm sure I don't need to get into a novel about why you should eat more fruits and veggies.  By this point, we all know how good they are for us.  Decreased risk of cancer, heart disease, and on and on and on.

As for the color, this smoothie will be green in every sense of the word. Don’t let that stop you though! If you are anything like me, the way that something looks is a very important factor in whether or not I will be willing to put it in my mouth. (Yeah, I really went there). There are ways to change the color using different berries, but for your first smoothie, why not go all the way?! If you avoid using a transparent cup, you can even imagine you’re drinking a tropical treat.

Without further ado, here is the first green smoothie recipe for you to try.

1 orange
1 banana
1 cup pineapple (frozen works great!)
1 handful baby spinach
1 cup water

I know, I know.  Spinach in a smoothie.  Oh the HORROR!  C'mon people, it's time to grow a pair!  Try it; you won't be disappointed.

Excuses are like, well, you know. Or, how I stopped following through on anything.

I didn’t used to be so lazy. There was a time, not so long ago, when I did an hour of aerobics five (yeah, you heard me – FIVE) days a week. On top of that, I also went running Every. Single. Day. I had 2 jobs and a full load of programming and math classes at the local university.

How my stomach used to look. Well, not really, but almost…

And then …

And then – I don’t know what.

What happens that makes you give up on yourself? It was never a conscious decision on my part. I didn’t wake up one day and decide “oh screw it.” It's the little things, like one of the classes required for my degree was only offered was at the same time as my aerobics class. Then I graduated and got a full time job. I never did join a gym. Fast forward a couple years and I’m pregnant with my first baby. NINETY EIGHT pounds and nine months later I had myself an 11 pound baby (almost) toddler and stretch marks that looked like Freddy Kruger had raked over me.

By the time I lost (most of) the baby weight I was pregnant with #2. And boy did I learn my lesson from the first pregnancy – I only gained SEVENTY pounds that time. Fast forward another 5 years, and here I sit at my desk at work um, I mean at home, with excuses and a fat ass.

My own personal motto

So what now? It’s not like I haven’t tried before – tried to eat better, to be healthier, to lose weight. I have. And I’ve even succeeded a time or two. And then I run into the same problem that’s been plaguing me for years – I never following through on ANYTHING anymore. I have turned into a lazy, whiny, excuse filled twit.

Apparently I need some accountability, I need to have to admit to someone when I screw up so they can say WTF Were You Thinking?! And lucky me that “someone” comes in the form of my co-conspirator (and co-worker) Fat-Girl-Slim (FGS). I see her every single day, she sits about 10 feet away from me and sees everything that I put in my mouth (that's what she said!).

Now it's on like donkey-kong! We ARE going to do it. On days when I just don't want to eat healthy anymore, she can kick me in the butt. On days when FGS doesn't want to hit the gym I can push her out the door. The ultimate goal will (of course) be running a half marathon - that's THIRTEEN POINT ONE MILES! And if we can after we achieve that - we can do anything!

How Did This Happen?

It was 4pm on a Friday when my good friend J asked me one last time, "Are you coming to my wedding reception tomorrow or what?". Crap. I was out of potential reasons as to why I couldn't. The babysitter was secured. None of my kids were sick. I even had a decent looking outfit, and my husband was totally game. So what's the hold up, you ask?

It's pretty simple. I'm fat. And not JUST fat, but I'm also pretty damn vain.

I realized that if I decided to show up at this wedding reception, my lumpy ass would be face to face (ok, not literally) with my first boyfriend, who I was sure would attend. The first boy I ever tongue kissed. This is the boy I held hands with every day on my way to P.E. and talked on the phone for hours to every night. Now realistically, I know I shouldn't care that he'd be there. We broke up after 2 months, and I've had many a boyfriend since. And I have a pretty damn good looking husband, I might add. Did I mention I'm vain? Seriously, what if his wife is supermodel hot? What if he's a body builder with chisled pecks and beautiful veneered teeth?



I was fretting over my decision to go when Muffin Top (MT), my friend and next-desk-over co-worker, tried to make me feel better. "He is probably balding and suffers from Erectile Dysfunction", she told me. Maybe so, but I suddenly realized that still wouldn't make me feel better about myself. I'm still fat. How did this happen to me??



Ok, shut up, I know how it happened. It took lots of eating brownies, making babies and drinking way too many margaritas to get this body. Not all at the same time, I might add. I did not make babies and drink tequila in the same nine month period. I'm irresponsible and dysfunctional at best, but there was no alcohol involved in making my babies. Hell, I even tried to avoid caffeine!

All joking aside, I realized I'm not ok with being fat. Becoming a recluse and avoiding social functions are no longer valid options for me. After talking with MT, we decided to get in shape. And even more than that, we decided to get healthy and run a 1/2 marathon. This blog is here to document our journey into insanity.