Goodbye Liquid Satan, It's Been Fun.

Growing up, I was never allowed to drink any kind of soda. My mom assured me it would rot my teeth and make me evil. She called it "legal crack", and though I hate to admit it, mom was right on the mark. Although I don't think it is really classified as a gateway drug, the stuff is addictive and really bad for you.

Apparently, this shit will kill you!

When Muffin Top and I decided to start this "ditch the chunk" movement, one of the first things I mentioned was quitting our Diet Dr. Pepper addiction.  MT was less than thrilled. You see, we work at a great company. They are so great, in fact, that they stock an entire refrigerator with beverages for us. An entire cabinet is dedicated to junk food of all kinds. This works out well for all the skinny, programmer dudes in need of a sugar high, but not so much for me and my fat ass.

The problem with having soda available 24/7 is simple. You drink it. Even when you don't really want one, it's there, so you drink it. Soda drinking is without question my worst habit. I'm hard core, can’t you tell? But drugs are so not my thing, and smoking is gross. I do soda. I'm such a bad ass.

Don't worry boys, I don't do bad ass well either...

Let's be real though, the wonderfully, sugary effervescence may seem harmless, but it's not. It's bad for your teeth (just ask my mom!). It's bad for your waistline, and I don't give a flying fuck if it's diet. That's even worse. Those chemicals probably turn into formaldehyde in your body. And I don't know about anyone else, but I don't want to be embalmed until I'm actually dead. Even when I’m dead I don’t plan on being embalmed, if you want to know the truth. I’m not a fan of tight spaces, so no one better bury me in the ground, that’s all I’m saying. Are you reading this, Mr. FGS? Don’t put me six feet under!

Back to the matter at hand, there's no easy out for this one. MT and I had to drop soda like the bad habit it was. It's the debil. Those first several days without it were a nasty bitch. I'm on day 11 though, and so far (even though it's only 11 am) I haven't even had a craving! That's progress, my friends.

In lieu of liquid Satan, I've been drinking a lot of water and unsweetened iced tea. You don't even have to ask, because I'll tell you. It sucks so hard. However, there's no time like the present to make these changes. Skinny is waiting.

Talk Dirty To Me

Mr. MT is going to get so lucky tonight. He earned it!

I'm really somewhat of a floozy, it's pretty easy to get me in "the mood". Don't get me wrong, I'm DEFINITELY a one man kind of woman! I'm just saying that I like to show my man exactly how much I love him. There is a little problem though - this isn't the case when I'm feeling bad about myself, which lately has been almost all of the time. All I can see is my rolls and the cottage cheese that is my thighs - times like this it's hard to believe him when he says he wants me. I mean how could he?!

But this morning, while I was in the kitchen making every one's lunch, he walked by and grabbed my ass. This isn't anything unusual and normally I wouldn't have given it a second thought. Except after he walked by, he turned around gave it another squeeze and then he said ...

"OOH! It feels tighter"

And ... down they come cum

Oh baby I love it when you talk dirty to me!!!

Because really isn't that what this whole half-marathon thing about? Getting healthier, getting in shape, getting to the point where you are confident to run around the house naked? (Unless the kids are home, cause that's just weird!)

I can promise you that tonight I WILL be working out - I can't wait to keep firming up, so that I can keep "firming" up my man ;)

Oh no she di-int just say that?!

The Big Green Hump: Week 3

Wow, I can't believe we are on week 3 already. Time flies when you are starving and in agony...or something. Today I offer up for your enjoyment, a VERY green smoothie. Don't be turned off by the color though! This one is excellent tasting and really healthy.

Today's featured green is kale, and guess what people? Kale kicks some serious ass.  Apparently, kale is the kung fu master of green, leafy veggies. Here's a paragraph from the kind people at Vita-mix about the many benefits of kale:

"Kale is a form of cabbage and related to broccoli, cauliflower and Brussels sprouts. It is very low in calories and contains more nutrients than most other greens. Kale is an excellent source of vitamin K, which is essential for bone and blood health, and helps by mediating coagulation and anticoagulation. Sulforaphane is a chemical found in kale and also sprouts and broccoli. A study published in Drug Discovery Today found that sulforaphane may help stop breast cancer cells from growing. The University of Texas conducted a study and found that a diet rich in kale may prevent bladder cancer by up to 29%. Kale may also help ovarian cancer too. The Nurse’s Health Study observed that women whose diets provided the most kaempferol, a flavonoid found in kale, had a 40% reduction in risk of ovarian cancer. By supplying the body with plenty of calcium, copper and manganese, kale may help absorb iron and prevent bone loss."

Sounds like a seriously healthy plant, right? So, without further ado, I offer up this new smoothie recipe, for your drinking pleasure:

"It Won't Kale You"

-2 frozen bananas
-3 oranges
-2 big leaves of kale (stem included)
-1 tbsp raw agave nectar
-4 cups cold water

Blend it up and enjoy. Then congratulate yourself for being so ridiculously healthy. You deserve it.

Screw You, Jillian Michaels!

This was the phrase I uttered at my TV last night while doing The 30 Day Shred. Ok, the actual phrase I said was much worse than that, but I don't want to prematurely freak out the readers of this blog. Do you know why I was swearing like a sailor? Pain brings out the profanity in me, and I was in some serious pain. Now don't get me wrong, I've got nothing but love for The Shred (unless I'm in the middle of it). There is no better way to get your ass handed to you in 20 minutes. When you are finished, you feel like you've truly worked out, and in my opinion, that's the best kind of work out you can have.

Look at that face.  She wants to torture you.

In the moment though, I pretty much always want to die. Hell, even my husband, who is in really good shape, wants to die. Yet he works out with me every night, faithfully, because he's not a foolish man. He knows there is no way he'll ever get sex on the kitchen counter again unless I get rid of some of this jiggle. There are some things this girl just isn't willing to do in my current state of chubby. Counter sex unequivocally falls into that category.

I need to look like this...without the manly V she has going on.

To get back to my point though (really, did I ever have one?), I think everyone needs to experience The Shred. It will give you an appreciation for muscles you didn't even know you had, I promise. Also, I've found in my previous efforts, it's one of the best ways to see results quickly. And I have no patience; therefore I need to see results asap.

And since we all know I can't afford plastic surgery...

If you are having some chunky issues, as I am, go buy yourself this video. Take some measurements of your waist, hips, bust and arms before you start. It's a great way to track progress when the scale is being stubborn. And let me tell you, my scale is extremely unyielding right now.

Monday Fat Stats - Week 2

It's been a full week since we began our official workout regimen. It hasn't been easy either, even though I wish I could tell you it was. When you've treated your body like crap for a long time, it takes a long time to get all the crap back out. I've wanted something good to eat (not good as in healthy, natch. but good as in YUMMY).

And the soreness - oh holy hell is there soreness. I don't even know what to complain about first - it pretty much all hurts. Whoever started the vicious lie that exercising GIVES you energy can straight up kiss my aching A$$. I know it will get better (someday), but at this point I'm just trying to live through today and walk the fine line between just enough Advil and OD'ing.

So, has it been worth it? Here are our numbers (keep in mind that measurements are usually done once a month and this is just the first week):

Fat Girl Slim: Results after 1 week

 Muffin Top: Results after 1 week

Not to bad - though I HATE that FGS is beating me by a pound. I think that on top of sticking to the workout schedule I need to focus on eating healthy also this week. Speaking of workout schedules...

In our quest to have beautiful runners legs, I present the Couch Potato to 5K: Week 2

Workout 1

Brisk five-minute warm up walk.

Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and

two minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes.

Workout 2

Brisk five-minute warm up walk.

Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and

two minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes.

Workout 3

Brisk five-minute warm up walk.

Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and

two minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes.

As with last week, we will also do 3 days of cross-training. Last week (and probably this week) we having been doing the Shred on these days. If you haven't tried it yet - you HAVE to! It's a guaranteed ass-kicking!

Let's not forget our purpose ladies - here is Muffin Top (by September that is):

Except my boobs are MUCH bigger ;)

Honesty is NOT the Best Policy

Now, don't get me wrong - in general, telling the truth is usually your best bet. Especially when your memory is as bad as mine. If you don't lie, you never have to worry about what you actually told someone versus what really  happened.

What I'm talking about here is being honest with yourself. If I take a real look at the things that I tell myself - I'm betting that a good 50% of it is crap. Think about it - what is going through your head when you look at yourself in the mirror? When you see your most worrisome "trouble" spot in the reflection? I'm guessing it's not "WOW! In no time at all I'm going to have that all slim and shaped up!". My thought process generally runs along the lines of "Oh gross - that is just nasty. I'm never going to get rid of those rolls."

"Ugh - there is way to much junk in that trunk!"

Or how about when you are exercising? Are you thinking "Oh Lawd I'm gonna die", "can't breathe", "will this NEVER end", "kill me now"?
Or when you missed a workout? Do you bemoan the fact, or like me, are you perfectly content because you never wanted to work out in the first damn place?

These are the "truths" that I don't want to be telling myself. I was reading some past entries by my hero "V" over at Violent Acres and realized I could really use her strategy. (Follow the link to read about it)

Basically, it's this - when I'm working out and find myself starting to think "Why am I doing this to myself? The pain! Has it really only been 5 minutes?",  I repeat to myself "I love this! This feels SO good! I never want to stop!" I've been doing it on my last few runs, with every breath (which is about 2 footfalls) I think "LOVE this". So far I'm not fooling anybody. But I have faith, if I say it over and over and over and over and over... Eventually I will just think it without having to tell myself to. Then, at some point, I will just accept it as truth.

Useless Jeopardy knowledge - this quote isn't from Malcolm X, it was repeated by him.

On days where I can't (or just don't) workout, I try to scold myself. Tell myself how icky I feel, how much better the day would have been if only I had exercised.

What's really hard for me is when I'm looking in a mirror. I don't know why it's so hard to just be nice to myself. It's not that I want to become some ego-maniac - I just want to be positive and not get depressed every morning when I get out of the shower and see the reflection of my sagging, stretch marked, nastiness. I'd like to be able to honestly same to myself "Not to shabby MT, not to shabby".

So, what do you think? Can you do it? Can you lie with me? (That sounds way more fun that it really is!)

The Big Green Hump: Week 2

Come Wednesday some weeks, I'm thinking "Hell yeah, already half way through the week!". Then there are weeks like this when I'm sore as all hell and would give my right leg for a Diet Dr. Pepper. All I can think today is "How in the HELL can it only be f@ck!ng Wednesday?!"

So, you can tell I'm adjusting to my new healthy lifestyle incredibly well :)

The only enjoyable thing about the "new" me is my morning smoothie. You can have all the other healthy crap, the vegetables, the work-outs and that she-devil in human form, Jillian Michaels.

I'm gonna make you SCREAM!

Today I'm going to share with you my good ol' standy, my most favorite smoothie of all. Which will henceforth be known as:

The Anti Muffin-Top (aka MT's Favorite)

Put all this in your blender:

1 Banana

2 - 3 Large handfuls of spinach

2 C Frozen Berries (I get the kind from Costco that has raspberries, blue berries and black berries)

1 C Orange Juice

2 C Water (or a little more if you like yours a little more runny)

Then do this:

Blend it all together and enjoy!

I hope you enjoy this one as much as I do. Really the only way to make it better would be to add a little vodka - but the boss really frowns at that one :(