Anxiety Blows

I don't think I've ever made it a secret on this blog that I deal with some major anxiety issues. I mentioned it here, and even here. If I kept looking, I'm sure I could find more examples scattered through the blog. I've dealt with worry, panic, etc. since I was a small child, but there have definitely been phases of my life when it's been a more prominent problem for me than other times.

Unfortunately, one of those times is right now. I've been having so much generalized anxiety lately that at times it feels like it's ruining my life. It sounds dramatic I'm sure, but anyone who's ever had those pervasive, worrying thoughts in their head will understand. It's draining, and depressing, and it makes me feel so hopeless at times.

Look!  It's a picture of me!!!

I hadn't realized how bad it had gotten until a couple of weeks ago. Anyone recall that nutter who thought the world was going to end on May 21? I'm not exactly sure what it was about him that triggered my anxiety, but I spent the better part of the week fretting over impending rapture. I'm not even religious, people!!! The worry over something that silly absolutely ruined an entire week of my life. Ri-freaking-diculous!!! It occurred to me then that, yeah, maybe it was time to seek out a little help.

This was me.... kind of...

Fast forward to now, and I'm doing a little bit better. I'm watching caffeine intake, getting enough sleep and I'm desperately trying to schedule in my exercise. I also have a doctor appointment in a week or so to see about some therapy. [and maybe some meds??] Things are looking up. I just need to remember the big, important thing that applies to all of us. I HAVE to make time for me. I deserve to feel well again.

Yep. Yep.  I need therapy worse than that girl.

We are on to a new month, and I'm making my health my number one priority yet again. Starting Monday I'm back to running [yay!], eating healthy, sleeping 8 hours a night, blogging more frequently and spending time relaxing. It's hard to pull yourself out of a hole, but that's exactly what I'm about to do.

Stay tuned...

Holy F@*#ing Sh!t B@lls!!!

Oh SHIT!

Time has gotten away from me (obviously, considering the serious lack of posting going on around here!). Between work, the hospital, and life and general - I have gotten WAY off track with training for my upcoming half marathon.

In just under SIX WEEKS I will be dragging my not-in-very-good-shape ass 13.1 miles. Sans Fat Girl Slim no less :(

Woe is me!

Insert my mad spreadsheet making skills here and I've got a plan! It may (or may not) be doable, but I'm going to give it my all. Basically, I went online, looked at all the (free) half marathon training plans I could find and came up with my own quick and dirty 6 week plan.

Without further ado, here it is:

Just click on the image to open a larger version

I SWEAR to you I will keep you up to date with my progress.

Leave me some love to let me know you're out there. Please? Pretty please? With a cherry on top?

Life Will Never Be The Same

Very few things in life can truly be termed "life altering". That change your life so that everything becomes defined as before and after it occurred. You know, the big things - getting married, having children.

For me, Monday was life altering. My 8 year old son had, what I thought, was a bladder infection. He was peeing all the time and he was even having nighttime accidents. And that's just not something that he ever does. Even as a toddler he never wet the bed, so I knew something was off.

So, imagine my shock when the doctor looked at me and said,

"He has diabetes."

I can't even begin to describe the thoughts and emotions that went through me at that moment. That continue to go through me.

We had to bring him to the hospital where he had to stay for 3 nights and 4 days. They had to get his blood sugar under control. They had to teach us how to take care of him.

I'm not going to lie to you, there has been nothing easy about this experience. The first time I had to give my baby a shot I could feel my heart shatter. I cannot explain what it's like to have to poke and stab and inject your child.

I've never been more proud of my son though. He has been absolutely amazing. He's only 8 years old and he is doing all his own blood sugar testing and even does about half of his insulin injections.

I (think?) I might be starting to come to terms with the reality my family is faced with. But honestly, I just don't know. I'll think I'm fine and then it will hit me out of no where. I'll be cruising along and someone will ask me how I am and I'll nearly break down in tears. I'll be sound asleep and the alarm will go off at 2 am and I'll remember, I have to go wake up my child in the middle of the night and make him bleed.

So, if I'm not myself for awhile, I'm sorry. But really, I'll never be that same person I was before Monday.

Thoughts On Health

So many thoughts swirling in my head tonight, and I can't seem to get them out when I try to type them. At the moment, a friend's child is getting his second dose of chemotherapy for stage 4 cancer. Also, as I type this, our very own Muffin Top is at the hospital with her son, dealing with a potentially life-threatening situation. It seems like everywhere I turn lately, someone is sick or suffering.

I've noticed a trend in my posting lately. It's all very capre diem. I want to seize the moment; live for today. More than ever it seems like our time here is so fleeting, and I want to capture things as they are RIGHT NOW and keep them that way forever. Nothing is guaranteed, and it feels like everywhere I turn lately, someone is having the rug of their happy life pulled out from underneath them. It's heartbreaking. It's scary. It's led me to draw some conclusions of my own. All the things I've been thinking and wanting to write about today basically lead me to one sentence.

If you don't have your health, you don't have anything.

I could really end this post there because that pretty well sums it up. Careers, money, possessions, relationships, I could go on and on. None of it matters if you don't have your health. So every time I reach for a cheeseburger, or every time I skip a work out, I'm basically choosing a temporary fix over the thing that matters more than anything else. I'm disgusted with the years I've spent neglecting what's of the utmost importance.

The desire to take care of myself has trumped many a craving as of late. I'm constantly at war with my decisions. To eat meat or not to eat meat? Did I get enough fruits and veggies in? How can I make my kids healthier? It all seems like an uphill battle. What used to be a constant need for "skinny" has been forcefully replaced by something far more important. I need to be strong and healthy for my family. For me.

I made a decision this morning to give up meat for the next month. I'm not sure I can make it a permanent change, but I eat too much of it, and it's time to shake things up. Also, I'm going to hit up my green smoothies on a daily basis. I already had one tonight!

My priority is my health. Goal #1 must be getting (and staying) as healthy as I possibly can. I found several vegetarian recipes I'll be trying in the coming days and weeks, so hopefully I'll have some winners for you guys!!!

On a different, yet related note, I know not everyone is spiritual or religious, but if you are, could you pray for Muffin Top and her son tonight? I'm sure she'll be back soon to share her story, but for now, can everyone keep her in your thoughts and prayers?

A Check In

Life is pretty crazy these days. It used to be that I could bust out a blog post at work no problem. Not so much any more. I work HARD for the money these days!

It's not so much that I don't like my job. I just don't like the stress of it, or the sheer volume that I'm expected to put out. *snickers - I said 'put out'*

Add to that the fact that I don't have any health insurance until next month, the stress levels are high. Besides the obvious, not having insurance is a very bad thing for me for other reasons. I exist on a cocktail of 3 anti-depressants. To the tune of about $2000 a month. Guess what I can't afford without insurance? Bingo. I (kind of) planned ahead though. I've cut all my pills in half and for last month and this month I've been on a half dose.

I'm not gonna lie, it hasn't been easy. I don't know how many of you know any one with true biologically based clinical depression - but without my medications, I'm just not me. I have a hard time to just get the basics of life handled. Adding exercising and healthy eating into that, and I am so overwhelmed I'm on the verge of tears daily.

I've got to admit, I have not done well the last few weeks. Not by a long shot. I finally went to weight watchers for the first time in 3 weeks this morning and I was up 3 fucking pounds. It pissed me off. I'm mad at myself. I am better than that. I can do better than that.

And I'm going to. Because life is to short and this is just a season I have to get through.

Only 24 more days and those happy pills are MINE!

Lately I've Had This Feeling...

I feel that 20, 30, or even 40 years from now...

I'll look back at this time in my life...

I'll look back on all the happy moments amidst the chaos...

I'll look back on crazy schedules, early mornings and the feeling of pure insanity...

I'll look back on all my accomplishments with getting healthy...

 

I'll look back on how amazing it was to raise a bunch of kids...

I may even look back with fondness on my career...

Even running maybe???

Even though life really seems hectic, and I sometimes want to give up...

Even though our time lately seems full of unknowns...

I'm pretty sure I'm living the very best years of my life.

Right now.

What I've Been Missing...

I've been missing my Fat Girl Slim. I didn't actually realize how much though, until she came to visit this weekend. It was fucking amazing to see her again! It's hard to go from spending 40+ hours a week with someone to never seeing them at all.

The thing about friendship though? It can handle long-distances.

 I know that no matter what, FGS has got my back. And I hope she knows I've always got hers. Always.

Homies. For realz.