Monday, December 13, 2010

Lack Of Balance

Lately life has been a little excessive yet simultaneously underdone and monotonous. Too much food, not enough sleep. Too many errands, not enough gym time. Too much sad, not enough happy. Too much confusion, not enough clarity. Too much anxiety, not enough peace. I'm no stranger to the fact that life has it's ebbs and flows, but this ebb seems never-ending as of late. It seems as though it's mostly filler moments with just a sprinkling of the amazing life I've come to know; reminding me that I do still have happiness. I do still have crazy good in my life. I've realized lately that there needs to be more LIVING going on here and less getting by. How exactly to accomplish that, I'm unsure. I'm desperate to find balance, yet every day I seem to fail at this seemingly simple task.

I think when you start to just "get by" you lose the clarity necessary to make a better life for yourself. Sometimes it feels like I'm just floating outside myself watching my "life" happen to someone else. My goals aren't well defined, and my motivation is lacking.

I won't deny that this time in my life happens to be full of change and unknowns, which is definitely contributing to my lack of harmony. The love of my life is currently only home two days a week, and it's crushing to me. As completely ridiculous as it sounds, I'm just not ME when he's gone. I feel very lost, alone and just plain crazy at times without him. He's my best friend, and right now I see him approximately 8 hours a week. And it hurts me to the core to know he's just as miserable right now as I am.

Also, we need to sell our house and move [so we can live in the same city again], but who knows if we'll be able to do that with the current real estate market. I sit up and worry about things that I can't fix constantly. My ridiculous anxiety has been out of control lately, and it's horrible. I'm lacking balance. I'm lacking peace. I'm lacking the feelings of security and comfort that I crave more than anything else.

Every time I start to get on track lately, something else comes along and again, I'm thrown off balance. I try to remind myself to take life one day at a time. If I could just get it right for ONE day, maybe I would start a trend? Maybe today is that day?

For the most part, today was a very balanced day. I didn't snooze my alarm, and I had my kids ready to go before it was even time to leave. I didn't go over on my calories, and I worked my ass off at the gym. In a moment, I'm headed to bed in order to get at least seven hours of sleep. I'm pretty sure I even laughed a few times today. It's a start, right? I'm going to try again tomorrow too. Who knows, maybe I could hold it together for two days in a row. Good things build on each other right? Momentum will pick up.

I know I usually attempt to be funny, and I'm sorry I couldn't do that for you all tonight. We aim to keep it real here though, and sometimes real life sucks ass. Tomorrow I'll be back with my new workout schedule and some motivation. Tonight though? Tonight I needed this blog as an outlet. Sometimes you guys are better than therapy.

Here's to day two of balance. Cheers.

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