I Can't Get It Up

I don't know what it is, but theses days, I just can't get it up.

You go Woody

It's like my give-a-damn is busted. Problem is, I have no idea how to fix it.

I know what it takes to lose weight.

I know how much I need to work out.

I know how to eat right.

I just can't seem to care enough to do it.

I need to just hop on and enjoy the ride...

I don't know if I'm just depressed because it's the holidays. Or because losing weight takes so freaking long. Or because it's such hard work.

Maybe I'm just a whiny bitch. Maybe I just need to shut up and get to it.

But therein lies the problem. I just can't seem to do it.

Someone out there want to lend me some of their "get up and go"?

Whatever it is, I just can't seem to shake it.

Why Have I Kept My Head Up My Ass For So Long???

I had the distinct privilege of taking a day off mid-week yesterday. It really doesn't happen very often, and of course, instead of relaxing or taking it easy, I did what any masochistic asshole would do. I cleaned out my closet and tried on clothes that [until recently] were too small. Imagine my surprise when I slipped on THE pair of jeans I've been thinking were my "skinny" jeans [or at least from skinnier times], and I could button and zip them! They are still pretty tight, and I wouldn't wear them in public yet, but HELLO!!! I can zip them. They may look like tight sausage casings on my thighs, but it's something, right?

Anyways, after the initial high realizing I AM really losing weight, came a big blow. THESE were my skinny jeans, but I'm nowhere near skinny. How did I not realize this? Why did I choose to ignore it?? How long HAVE I been overweight, anyways? Too long, my friends. Too long.

Those "skinny" jeans are a size 11. [Juniors, if I'm not mistaken?]  It's definitely not a huge size, but it isn't terribly small either.  [Not to mention the fact that they are worn in and potentially streched out.]  I haven't put a leg in them for 8 years, I believe. Is it possible that I've been this big for EIGHT years? Is it possible that I wasted away at least that long not being happy with my body? Abso-freaking-lutely. I'm actually pretty sure I haven't been happy with my body since my senior year in high school. I was athletic, I weighed 145 lbs., and I fit into size 5 pants. I want it back so bad it physically hurts.

Lately we've been getting lots of requests for Before/Current pictures. I figured I'd post a few today, just to "see how far I've come" while choosing not to focus on "how far I have left to go". I actually have very few pictures of myself when I was at my biggest, not unlike most people who are disgusted by their appearance.

For your viewing pleasure:

This picture below is of me at my absolute biggest. No clue how much I weighed, I wouldn't dare.

Terrible picture of a Twi-nerd, I know!!!  Don't judge.

And the most current picture I have:

Bad dressing room self shot, but you get the idea.

I can see it. There definitely is some progress there. And I promise you, my friends, one day there will be before AND after pictures on this site. We will celebrate then.

Finding The Will.

I need to find the will...

to not sprint down the hall...

 to the kitchen at work...

where all this crap is located...

and instead, take my tired ass to the gym...

even though I have zero desire to do so...

The end.

Sometimes Everyone Needs A Muse

Lately I've been less than inspired about exercise. I've still been doing it [and doing it, and doing it well...], but unfortunately it's been pretty damn torturous. It's not always that way. Sometimes I feel super motivated to get out there and run forever on the damn treadmill. Some days I can play the reasons for exercise like a slideshow in my head. I picture myself skinny at my husband's graduation. I picture all kinds of things.

So what's up with me lately? Why can't I pull my head out? MT says I've been in a funk ever since my husband left 3 weeks ago. I won't lie; it definitely has been a major adjustment. Things are getting better though, albeit slowly. It's actually been 3 days since the ever present lump in my throat has been around, and I actually don't think I've cried since Sunday! That's improvement, folks! My interest in things I love just hasn't come back yet though. I've noticed how much I'm just "getting by" lately and how I'm constantly drifting away to anywhere else but the present.

This is me... spacing out again.

I really need to get a clue and snap out of this! I'm usually a pretty positive person. Most days just being alive and healthy is enough for me. It's not good enough for me to just let these next 4 months pass me by. I want to be present in them. I want to work hard and get the body I really want to have by November. I need to get my head out of my ass and get motivated. So I figured I should make a new list of motivators! I've done a previous post about what motivates me, but the reasons are constantly changing. At this moment, I have 4 very specific motivators to play over and over in my mind while I'm on the treadmill.

Motivator #1: My husband is away at academy with a bunch of girls.

Ok, so this probably sounds irrationally jealous and insecure, but I keep envisioning these chicks walking around campus in their little bikinis.  Yes, I totally know that doesn't happen, but it sure makes me want to put in more treadmill time!!! I want him to come home and think I'm the hottest thing he's seen all week. I don't want to be the ugly, fat wife. I want to be the young, sexy, skinny wife. Add another mile to the treadmill.

Pretty sure this one sits right next to my husband in class....

Motivator #2: My husband's graduation.

Geez, seems like my world focuses around him a lot, non? He graduates in November, and I am desperate to wear a hot skirt. It's the next major "dress up" event we have going on, and I really want to wow him. I keep picturing a smaller me in a totally cute outfit. This keeps me running on the mill when I really want to quit.

This is the outfit I constantly picture myself in while I'm running...

Motivator #3: Fall is coming up and I want cute jeans.

We've probably only got 2 months left of warm weather, at best. How fun would it be to get a new [smaller] winter wardrobe? Smaller jeans, smaller sweaters, smaller clothing in general. And better than that, how fun would it be to clothes shop and ACTUALLY fit in the sizes I want to?!?! I can do this; I have time. I just need to be motivated.  Seriously, a great pair of jeans can make me feel better than anything else.  I WANT those jeans.

And I want to be one of those women!!!

Motivator #4: I want to be skinny by the time I'm 30.

Technically, that means I have a year. I'm about to turn 29 next month. Have I mentioned how scared I am to be leaving my 20s? I'm terrified. When I've always pictured myself at 30, I've seen someone skinny. I've seen someone who has her life together. When I used to picture what my 30 would look like, I pictured a skinny me with 2.5 kids, a dog, a great job and an awesome husband. This is what 18 year old me had in mind. And you know what? I have everything I ever wanted in time for 30 and more really, except the skinny. I'm happy, healthy, employed at a job I love, and I have an amazing family. I really, REALLY want the skinny.

Yep, that's about how I feel.

I'm trying, trying, trying to pull my head out, guys. Slowly but surely I'll find my way back.

So what are your motivators? What makes you get on that treadmill every day? What makes you skip the donut? I'd love to hear.

Back to Basics

It's time to nut up, folks. I realized on Monday that I've been floundering since April with my weight loss. I lost 15 lbs. pretty quickly, but then I've plateaued like a mother fucker. I haven't gained any weight back [thankfully], and I've made huge strides in endurance and fitness level, but the weight is simply not coming off. And the reality is, I still need to lose right around 35 lbs. to be at a healthy weight.

Truefax.

The gears in my head have been turning this week, and I've been scouring my favorite blogs on the interwebs for answers. How can I be running almost 20 miles a week, and yet not losing ANYTHING?!?!?

Yesterday I decided to read one of my favorite blogs [Body By Pizza] from start to finish. Rachel, [the creator of said blog] has lost 113 lbs., and it goes without saying that she's one of my weight loss heroes. She's also recently completed a 1/2 marathon [you know, like we're training for!], so we're practically BFFs, and she just doesn't know it yet. I figured if anyone had my weight loss answers, she would.

While reading one of her posts I found the basic recipe for weight loss. It's something I've known, but failed to acknowledge for the better part of 3 months now. It always goes back to calories in < calories out. I know this, yet I don't follow it, and I've paid no attention to it.  Until now, that is.  I did the math, and I realized that in order to lose 2 pounds a week [which seems really reasonable, no?], I need to be consuming no more than 1,200 calories a day. Here's the formulas that were posted on Body By Pizza, if you are interested.

655 + (4.3 x weight in lbs.) + (4.7 x height in inches) – (4.7 x ages in years) = 1615 [this is my personal BMR, which is basically the calories you burn just by being]

Next figure out your Daily Activity Level:

Sedentary Physical Activity Level (desk job, other work that entails sitting down for most of the day). If yes, your score is 1.1

Light Physical Activity Level (on feet/walking around for 1/2 the day or more, e.g. stay at home mothers, salespeople, doctors). If yes, your score is 1.2

Moderate Physical Activity Level (on the move all day with a few limited periods of being sedentary, e.g. gardeners, carpenters, mail carriers). If yes, your score is 1.3.

High Physical Activity Level (constantly on the move with significant amounts of physical labor, e.g. construction worker, farm workers, movers). If yes, your score is 1.4

BMR x Daily Activity Level + Exercise Expenditure [how many calories you burn on a typical daily work out] = AMR [2,176 for me]

(daily AMR) x 7 days = 15,235 calories per week [This is how many calories a week I can eat and maintain my current weight]

(weekly AMR) – 7,000 calories (equivalent to 2 lbs.) = 10,948 calories per week [Seems like a lot until you divide it by 7]....

This translates into roughly 1,200 calories a day. Not much, and certainly way less than I've been eating. I've been tracking my food intake daily on Sparkpeople.com, and I tend to run right around 1,800 cals/day. And that's only if I don't blow it by scarfing down extra crap food.

Oh look, it's me... again....

So, I guess I've taken this information as good news and bad news. The good news: There is actually a reason why I'm not losing weight, even though I'm running more than any person ever should. The bad news: I need to eat considerably less if I ever want to lose weight. And obviously, I DO want to lose weight. I need to figure out how people actually live on 1,200 calories a day, and figure out what said people are eating. I need a better plan. Again.

I'm going to be real here. Next week is not the week to start watching calories. I'm going out of town for vacation, complete with lots of drinking and great food. I'm pretty sure vacation is not the ideal time to start eating way less. If I'm able to maintain my weight during my stint at the beach, I'll be stoked. The week after vacation however, [July 5th, to be exact], should be an ideal time to really start watching my intake.

So I'm looking for ideas. What do the skinny people eat? I'll keep you posted on my findings, and please, feel free to add your own!

Weekend Wrap Up

Good morning, bloggie friends! Happy SUMMER! It's official; I can't believe it. I got a jump start crossing items off my bucket list this weekend, and even though it's Monday morning, I'm still relishing in the awesome weekend.

On Friday night we had my BFF and her family over for dinner. [Actually, they brought dinner to US, bless them]. For dessert we made root beer floats, which enabled me to check the first item off of my list! They were total YUM too!

Lotsa calories, but so freaking worth it...

Saturday morning started BEFORE 4am as MT and I got ready to run NINE miles. NINE. There's a fine line between insanity and brilliance, and I think we are straddling it right now. At least I can cross the pre-dawn run off my list. It truly was amazing though. Our time per mile was less than last week, and the run itself felt better overall. I even tried out some Shot Blocks and my new fuel belt, both of which proved to be super successful for long runs.

It was pitch black out my window when we left!

After we got back, it was garage sale time. [Another bucket list item, holla!] By the end of the day I was wiped out, but my house is much less cluttered, and we made some serious cash money.

Less crap, more money?  Yes, please.

Sunday was Father's day, and I had an incredible time celebrating my amazing husband and dad. We started the day with a yummy brunch and ended it with a tether ball tournament in my parent's back yard. [Who knew my mom kicked so much ass at tether ball??] Oh, and I made some totally fabulous sun tea with lemon on Sunday afternoon. So delish, and so good for you! I did some serious damage to that bucket list this weekend!

Don't knock the cup!  My nerdiness knows no bounds.

It's back to the grind today, and I have one big goal this week. MT and I realized last week that exercise has become so routine that we don't even think about it anymore. Our food intake, on the other hand, is still really inconsistent. I started tracking with Spark People last week, but lost motivation about half way through. So my lofty goal this week is to track every single thing I eat. All week. No exceptions. Oh, and stay within the calorie requirements. That's it. I need to get healthy foods to be another habit, just like running. It's proving far more difficult, however.

I hope everyone had a fabulous weekend. Here's to a new season and a week of lofty goals!

I Thought Running Was Just Putting One Foot In Front Of The Other…

Running entails a lot more than putting one foot in front of the other. I really wish someone could have clued me in on this. There are so many things that I never considered. Some pretty important and definitely not-at-all-easy things.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not a pro at this. I'm a (just barely) semi-capable novice (so please don't take my word as gospel). If I have to worry about these things though, chances are you will too. Hopefully one or two of my ideas might help you out along the way.

So, in no particular order:

Pushing through wall(s)
Fact: if you run, you will inevitably come up against the most dreaded "wall". For those of you not yet acquainted with the wall, let me try and explain it to you. For me, hitting a wall is when my entire body has a sudden surge of complete exhaustion. It's like every fiber of my being is screaming at me to "GO SIT DOWN". This is much more than the tiredness and wear you feel from the run itself - it's your body saying "well, that was fun, but now I'm DONE". Problem is there are no physical antidotes. This is where the mental battle is waged – which, for me, is the hardest part of running.

I've found that I need to just accept the fact that walls are going to come, and try to recognize (and deal with) them while I'm running. Maybe for super athletes (read: not me), it's not much of an issue. But for me, walls are inevitable and if I'm going to make it through, I have to prepare myself for how I'm going to handle them. My first instinct is to want to throw in the towel; so I have to coach myself, tell myself that it is just a wall. I'm not actually going to die - all I have to do is keep it up. Wait it out for a minute, and eventually…

The wall will come down. 

I am stronger than my physical pains. 

I'm not going to lie and say that this makes the walls feel any better - but it does get me through them without completely destroying my confidence in my ability to run. I don't have much confidence in my abilities at this point, so anything I can do to reinforce and protect the confidence I do have is really vital.
 

This is some crazy wall-pushing! Or, just plain crazy...

Fueling the machine
Even though it is much, much more - at the basic level, our bodies are (biological) machines. The saying that you are what you eat is essentially true. The things you put in your mouth, um eat *cough* are the materials your body is going to use to replace dead and dying cells. So, that desert you said would go straight to your hips? Yeah, you were right. 

Like trying to run a sports car on regular unleaded – trying to exercise when you've been filling up on pizza, beer and cookies just does not work. Sure, you can gimp your way through it, but it will never feel very good. On days when my run seems extra hard, when I really struggle - I inevitably look back at my last couple of meals and realize that they pretty much sucked nutritionally.

When I eat well, I feel good and my body just works better. Plain and simple. Well, the idea is simple enough – the execution is a whole different story. I'm still working on that one…

Um, no. Really, just...  no

Getting out the door
I've never come back from a run thinking "I wish I hadn't done that". The regret only comes when I bag out a run. But without fail I spend my time before a run thinking of reasons why I really shouldn't go right now, why doing it later would really be a much better idea, how it's okay to miss just one run. It's another mental game.

For me the biggest help in getting out there is to have someone to do it with. I can't even tell you how much I've missed having my running buddy this week (ugh! Now Fat Girl Slim is going to come back all big headed and full of herself). Doing it by your self is just plain hard. It's such a relief when you don't always have to be the strong one. Me and FGS inevitably take turns having to drag each other out of the office. On days when I just can't get motivated she's there to tell me to nut up. When she's not feeling it, I can tell her that I'm going with or without her.

I realize that it's not always practical or sometimes even possible to have a running buddy. If this is true for you, it's super important to surround yourself with encouraging people. Ones who know your goals and want for you to achieve them. On Wednesday I put off my run all day. I didn't during work, and then I didn't do it when I left work. Then I had to make dinner, get the kids in bed, etc. I finally did go, but it wasn't until 7:45 when my husband basically goaded me out the door. Thank God for him because, if left to my own devices, I would have never gone.

I hope you might find a little tid-bit of something to help you along the way in my ramblings J

Until next time, here's a little feel good quote for you:

"We all have dreams. But in order to make dreams come into reality, it takes an awful lot of determination, dedication, self-discipline, and effort."

- Jesse Owens

P.S. The most awesome Skinny Runner is having a give away of some super cute compression socks. We love her here at HA2HM - check her out here or under "Blogs We Love" to the left!

Nut Up, Beyotch!

I've been feeling like a slug all day. Lack of sleep + bad eating decisions = totes whiney FGS this week. This afternoon as I sit at my desk, I've been mentally berating myself. Why in the hells bells did I eat a fucking hamburger for lunch? [With French fries, no less!] What would possess me to have a Mt. Dew with my breakfast? My brain is mush right now, and I have the 4pm munchies like I had a really good last dance with Mary Jane. [And let me assure you, I most certainly DID NOT, or I'd be in a much better mood.] It's like I'm slipping into vacation mode four days pre-vacation, and that's totally ridiculous, because I don't even plan on eating this unhealthy during the actual trip! I've been a blubbering, emo mess all day over this and enough is enough really!

That's what I've been doing all day!

Friends, it's time to nut up. I was thinking maybe I'd just head to bed early tonight since I'm feeling so out of sorts. You know, skip the workout, and just relax. About fifteen minutes ago however, I realized that I'm just not going to freaking do that. That is quitting! That is giving in! That is the behavior of the old me, and I cannot bear to be that person anymore.

It's time to do some damage control. First, I started downing water. I'd realized in my lameness, I haven't even touched the stuff today. I'm plowing down a good 64oz before I head home. Next, I'm going to make a green smoothie for dinner because I assure you, I haven't had anything healthy today whatsoever. Finally, I'm going to pick a work out and do it. Even if it is going to hurt and I don't want to! Sometimes exercise is the only way to get myself back in the correct frame of mind, and I am sorely in need of that right now.

Yep, I could use something like this to get me going...

It's hard for me to admit when I've been having a rough week. It's tough to stop the freight train once it's going full speed ahead, you know? However, that's exactly what I'm doing. At 4:30pm on a Tuesday, I'm saying "No more!", because I'm willing to do whatever it takes.

Last Night, I Made Jillian Michaels My Bitch. Or A Post About Boundries.

By the time I got off work last night, I was pumped. During my commute, all I could think about was doing the Level 3 Shred, and doing it well. I was practically begging for release by the time I walked in the door [that's what he said]. And you know what? I nailed that work out. Jillian Michaels had nothing on me; I made her my bitch! After I got done I was dripping sweat and wearing a shit-eating grin. THAT is how working out is meant to be, people! It meant so much more though because of how utterly shitty I had felt the day before.

Don't give me bitch face, I owned you last night.

Let's go back to that fateful Wednesday. It was complete shit from start to finish. I had been to the dentist on Tuesday, and that always takes an unusually big toll on my body for some reason. Add that to our insane workout schedule this week, and it was just bad news. We started running Wednesday evening and I had to stop and walk half way through. The fuck? I was pissed. I haven't had to stop and walk for weeks! Then I went home and couldn't even finish Level 1 Shred. Level freaking ONE! I was so frustrated and defeated that night, not to mention ridiculously sore and tired.

You can end up dead, or feeling like it.  Trust me.

While I lay in bed and suffered, I texted MT and told her I would not be running the next day. I never do that, and damn was I feeling guilty. It was time to listen to my body though. My body was screaming, "Listen you bitch! This is too much! TOO much!” So yesterday I felt really grumpy about it. I didn't give in and run though. I didn't wake up and do Pilates. And by 4:00pm, I was a new person! Something started building in me [not that, pervert!]. It felt like I needed to exercise ASAP. And so I did. I rocked that Level 3 Shred like I never have before.

Yes, yes I do.  Sometimes at least...

To my point now, I tell you this story to remind you one thing: if you start to feel like ass, slow your roll. We knew we'd have to kick up the exercise a few notches these weeks in order to finish well in our 5k. However, when both of us can barely walk, it's probably a sign that we are working too hard. It seems really hard for me to remember that my body needs rest to work properly along with all the exercise. I suppose it was a good lesson to learn early on. Today I'm still feeling pretty damn happy about that work out; believe me when I say it was worth resting for.

Tenacity

It's the word of the week for me. If you go to the dictionary and look it up it gives you this definition:

"The quality or state of being tenacious. Synonyms: perseverance."

Well that doesn't explain a lot, does it? However, if we go look up tenacious, you get this definition:

"Holding fast. Persistent. Stubborn. Not easily pulled asunder. Synonyms: steadfast, purposeful."

Do you get it? I'm about to tell you the big ole' secret about diet and exercise. The secret that all those really athletic assholes have been hiding from you all these years. You know, what it takes to be skinny and in fabulous shape. Are you ready for it? Tenacity. That's it. Woohoo the big secret has been revealed. What? Is it not what you wanted to hear? Me either. The longer I'm at this though, the more I know it to be true. Repeat after me. Tenacity. That is the answer to it all. It is literally the only difference between the people who succeed at weight loss and those who don't.

This is the truth, peeps.  It pains me too.

We've been at this thing for a little over 10 weeks now. I recently received some feedback about our blog. I was told that it's hard to believe we haven't "given up" by now since we work so hard and lose weight so slowly. Let's be real though. Some of those weeks we've done horrible with our eating. Some of them we have barely exercised. And yes, even a few of them we have gained some weight. Give up though? No way! How can we ever reach our goals if we stop? We have to have tenacity. Staying power. It's the only way we'll accomplish the goals we've set up for ourselves. Also, it's the only way to become one of the skinny, in shape people insead of becoming some "blog-writing jackass who quit trying and gained back all the weight she lost." It's one way or the other. Either you have the tenacity to see it through or you don't.

This week has kicked my ass already and it's only Tuesday. I'm not joking. Yesterday's run was so incredibly, ridiculously hard. [I don't even have it in me for a "that's what she said" joke!]. Then I got home and The Shred was tough too. Finally, I'm ready for bed and my three year old thought it would be fun times to stay up for hours and hours on end screaming. When he finally did fall asleep, my two year old decided it was her turn. [Don't ask why I had kids so close in age, because I have not a clue what I was thinking]. I'm not sure exactly how much sleep I got, but I can sum it up in two words: not enough. Then today, I had the dentist appointment from hell. Seriously, am I the only one who thinks dentists are total sadists? Maybe it's just MY dentist? Either way, three hours in a dentist chair made me feel like I needed a drink or ten. And of course, I can't do that, because we're on an alcohol ban right now. [Why oh why?]

Oh Sailor, why have I forsaken you?

Needless to say, I'm giving this week the double bird [and I'm not talkin' turkey here]. Wednesday better be an improvement or I may just flip out. Tenacity. Must have tenacity. I don't want to work out tonight, but I'm going to. I want to go hog down a gallon or so of ice cream and wash it down with some Sailor Jerry, but I'm not going to. Tenacity. And you know what? If I did go home and eat myself into a food coma, it doesn't really matter because I'd just pick myself up tomorrow and start over. Tenacity. I've come too far to turn back now.

I'm Back... From Outerspace... Or My Bathroom Floor. You Pick.

So, what started out as a kick ass weekend ended tragically last Friday. Muffin Top, my BFF and I all went to see Remember Me directly after work. Two fabulous hours were spent swooning over Robert Pattinson [Hey, don't judge! There are worse vices!], and by the time we left, I figured the entire weekend was going to rock. Wrong.

Yeah, when you think things are going to be great... they might not be.

Five minutes into my drive home and Mr. FGS calls. Our daughter had just thrown up her dinner everywhere. I knew right then it was going to be bad. Inevitably, if one of our kids gets the stomach flu, so do I. I must've been born pre-dispositioned to puking. If anyone even has a hint of nausea around me, I'm destined to get it. It sucks a lot.

Hey look!  It's me last weekend!

Sure enough, I woke up at midnight bolting for the bathroom, where I remained for the rest of the weekend. You know, that weekend that had started off so well. The one that was going to kick ass! Sure, "Puke Fest 2010" really helped put up impressive numbers on the scale this week, but it did nothing to help me with running. Our 5k race is looming, and I've actually felt almost too weak to walk up the stairs. Today though, I figured it was on. Have to, need to, don't want to, but I'm going to run. This is what I kept telling myself.

I'm not going to lie to you people, that run was a total bitch. At about five minutes in I thought I might die. By ten minutes, I was sure of it. I am sitting here wondering how we even made it back, because during the run I was fairly positive we never would. At one point, Muffin Top asked me if I'd drag her body away from traffic if she fainted. I don't even think I had the energy to laugh. It was that hard! [That's what she said.] Somehow though, we finished. Hell, we even took 40 seconds off of our fastest time!!!  Impressive.

If we had any energy left, this would've been us after we realized we ran faster than usual.  Except without the helmets....

I'm glad we got out there and ran. I find more and more lately that I'm amazed at what I'm capable of. The Fat Girl Slim I've always known and loved would never run two days post epic stomach flu. She'd never run in the hail. It's an odd feeling to not know yourself anymore. I kinda like it.

On a totally unrelated note, I need to wish my baby girl a Happy 2nd Birthday, and my husband a Happy 4th Anniversary. They are my motivation when I have none, and the reason I fight the good battle. I could do none of this without them!

Getting My Head Out Of My Ass And Back In The Game

This week has been pure stress. From sick kids to the relocation of our whole office, it's literally been one thing after the other. Then yesterday I came down with a wicked cold to top it all off. Oh, and did I mention I rear ended some poor lady on my way to work? Yeah, total stress this week. My eating habits have been ridiculous and I haven't exercised even once. So bad.

Stress: It's stealing my soul...

I'm praying to the scale gods that maybe just maybe I can at least maintain my weight this week. I don't deserve to lose; I know that, but would it be so bad if I could just not gain any weight back? It's going to be tough to do.

For starters, I'm going to Portland this weekend to meet up with some friends. Shopping, eating out and drinking copious amounts of liquor are on the horizon. Will I be able to hold it together? And if I can't, how will that make me feel Monday when I've gained weight? I don't really have the answers at this point.

All I know is that when you make permanent changes, you have to roll with the punches a bit. A bad week will only de-rail the train if you let it. Come Monday morning I'm going to get my game face on and get right back to it. Exercising. Eating right. Doing all the crap I know I need to do, yet somehow haven't been doing this week.

I've noticed I feel like complete and utter shit today. I'm tired, grumpy, and just generally not in a good mood. It really sucks, and if this is how I feel when I am unhealthy, well, then I don't want to be an unhealthy person anymore. I feel totally brain dead this week. I mean, hell, I had a hard time just finding the energy to write this blog post. That's really sad.

This has been me.  All. Week. Long.

As I sat here and pondered my situation, I was having a chicken and egg moment. (No, not a chicken and pig moment). I was wondering what came first. Did the stress make me sick, which in turn made me not want to exercise? Or did the lack of exercising and eating right make the stress heightened and make me feel like shit? I honestly don't have the answers to this, but there are a few things I know for certain.

1) If I would've been drinking my green smoothies this week, I probably would've avoided this cold, which has made it difficult for me to exercise.

2) If I would've been diligent in my exercising, I could've reduced my stress, since exercise does that.

3) If I had a shot in hell of not gaining weight this week, it would've been by exercising and eating well early on, because let's get real, Portland is not going to be low calorie.

Portland or bust, baby!

So there you have it folks. I'm a big ole' fuck up and I'm telling it like it is on the blog. I'm already planning my redemption for next week though. I have a few goals in mind, and starting Monday, I'll be back on the track like I never left it.

Next week, I WILL:

-Document my food intake.
-Do pilates every morning.
-Run 3 times.
-Drink green smoothies at least 5 days for breakfast.

There, I feel better already.

Let's Talk Setbacks...Cause Face It, They Happen A Lot.

It may go without saying, but yesterday was a craptastic day for me. I had a three hour dental "procedure" and by the time I was done; I was ready to crawl into my bed and never come out again.

This was me yesterday...except I'm not a dude.

You see, about ten odd years ago, I knocked my front teeth out with a golf ball. I'm totally serious. I don't even know how I did it exactly, but whatever, I've been dealing with the consequences ever since. At first, they put them back in, and that lasted for quite awhile. Eventually, however, one of the teeth needed to be replaced. I won't go into the horrors that are dental implants, but basically they put a freaking huge screw in your jawbone and attach a fake tooth to it. Then you wait to see if it takes. Six months later, we found out that MY implant didn't take. It didn't grab hold of my jaw or some shit. To say I was angry would be a gross understatement. So yesterday, I went in to have it removed and to have a bone graft placed. It was total hell, and I left the dentist office with lots of stitches and orders not to do any running. [yes, I asked!]

This is what I'd call a setback. At first I thought, "I will prevail!" If I couldn't run, I'd just do Pilates instead! No one can bring me down, right? WRONG. Having my head any other way than completely vertical brought on jaw pain that rivaled child birth. Crap. So... maybe I could do The Shred? WRONG again. The impact from jumping jacks and butt kicks was pretty close to running, so I figured I shouldn't do that either. After all, I don't want to mess up my stitches or anything.

Finally last night I decided to just accept it and admitted defeat.  I was having my first, true setback since starting this whole exercise thing. I don't mean the things that come up that I CAN work around. I mean a true impasse. I'll admit, I was sort of bummed. I've spent five weeks now working out with a fervor that rivals twenty nerds playing World of Warcraft. I've noticed I actually get pissy when I can't get in exercise these days. The last thing I wanted was to lose the momentum I've finally got going on.

This is real life, however, and setbacks happen to all of us. The best advice I can give you when they do occur? Get back on that horse and riiiiiiide, as soon as your possibly able. One or two days won't break the new habits you've formed, and the best way to move past a setback is to do just that; move your ass right past it.

Ride, bitch!  Ride!!!

Today I went for a run again (and it was damn hard). My mouth kinda throbbed from the motion [that's what she said!], but it was worth it for my morale. I needed to make sure that one little setback wasn't going to take me down. I conquered that run. I encourage you to do the same thing with your true setbacks.  No need to get down, just find the will to start right back up again.  The little bumps in the road won't mean anything when we're finally crossing that finish line.