Important Life Lessons

Listen closely, as today’s post just might save you a ton of frustration, pain, and embarrassment. I’ve learned some very valuable lessons, ones that my very hippie (and hairy) step-mother would never have even realized were essential life lessons to be taught to every young girl.

I’d been thinking about getting an at home waxing kit, so I finally bit the bullet and ordered one from Amazon. When it came in the mail I was SO excited! After all, I’ve been dropping 60 big ones every month or so to be nice and smooth. The kit has a little warmer and everything! Like a profession set-up … or so I thought.

Here it is:

This seems like a good idea, right?! Right???

On Sunday morning I did my usual newspaper read, house cleaning, and laundry. Then, I decided it was time, I grabbed my stuff and headed to the bathroom. I stripped off my pants (and panties, natch!) and stood in front of the mirror. You have to apply some “pre-wax” goop, so I did that and blotted it off as instructed. The wax was a little weird to handle, kind of drippy all over. But I managed to get the first glop smeared in a fairly straight line. I pressed the little strip thingy down on it, inhaled deeply, and ripped that bitch right off.

And it worked AWESOMELY!!! I kick ass and could totally make a living making bare beavers if I wanted to! Hurray me :)

And ... this is where it all went downhill.

The first strip wasn’t really painful. Not so much on the next 2 or 3 tries. I was pulling off most of the wax, but there were little remnants being left behind. So, just use the remover and continue on, right?

This brings us to rule #1:

#1: Whether you buy a kit or each item individually - always, always, always, ALWAYS make sure you have wax remover!

I was in a hell of a predicament. How the hell do I get the extra wax off? Oh well, no worries. Start what you finish, right?

Once I had the, um, how do I put this, top of the triangle done - it was time to move lower. And it started to hurt. And get really messy. I was having a hard time distinguishing between wax globs, hair and wax globs full of hair.

The kit comes with an after wax "cooling" gel. I figured that aught to help, right? Yeah, no such luck.

At this point Mr. MT came to see what was taking me so damn long. His advice, put some baby powder on it. I was willing to try anything at this point. I put a wash cloth on the ground, sat down, and powdered my ass like a newborn baby. And God did it feel good! But now I had wax globs covered in baby powder and the mess was of epic proportions. I couldn't stop half way through though. I am not a quitter.

This whole process requires a small bit of flexibility, picture this, but naked with baby powder and wax everywhere and look of agony on my face:

Hmm ... so that's what that looks like ...

Now is a good point bring up rule #2, which I'll put as delicately as possible:

#2: The first time you try waxing yourself, never ever, ever, ever, ever head straight for Brazil.

Really, it's impossible to describe this delicately, so I'll just mention to you all the crucial pieces and let you put the puzzle together:

A. No wax remover
B. A shit ton of baby powder
C. A reddish, purplish, hickey looking spot right on the "V" line where my body meets my leg. (Those of you who know Hockyward will appreciate this!)
D. At this point my hands are also covered in wax and super sticky
E. My lips (and not the ones I talk with!) are SCREAMING at me. Poor things are, underneath the wax and powder, red and in pain.

I was past the point of tears, but I finished it ALL. (With the exception of the, um ... very back area ...) But what the hell do I do now? First I had to un-sticky my hands. I grabbed the rubbing alcohol and cotton balls and scrubbed them off. Hmm ... that worked pretty good on my hands ... I wonder if it would work on ....

Rule #3: DO NOT EVER (and I really, really mean this) DO NOT EVER put rubbing alcohol any where near that area of your body. For those of you who are mothers - this pain almost rivaled labor with my 11 pound son.

That's all I can say about that. The memory of that pain is still to fresh.

I won't bore you with any more way-to-personal details of the process. I'll just let you know that a hot shower and a loofah, followed by a bath, followed by another shower and more loofah-ing does NOT remove wax.

I have personally brought an entirely new meaning to the term "my lips are sealed".

Just imagine the bricks are wax chunks, and the lips are, well, you know ...

Once I emerged from the bathroom - 2 hours later - I checked my phone and found numerous texts from Fat Girl Slim. Shit. I had spaced out on our weekend run. Which brings us to our fourth and final rule of of the day:

#4 Do not, ever, attempt your first waxing mere hours before your scheduled 7 mile run.

I hope you take this to heart. I've learned my lesson, that's for sure.

Will I try it again? Yeah, I'm stupid and crazy like that. I ordered a HUGE bottle of wax remover though!!!